If there’s one thing you can say about the last couple of years on this planet, it’s that there’s seldom been a dull moment. Writing in December 2017 it’s hard to imagine what people from the past would think if they were here today. I’m sure many of us remember thinking that 2016 was the craziest year on record, but with the benefit of hindsight the world was only getting warmed up. Let’s take a look back at some of the events that have made 2017 so memorable.

2017 in politics (pt1):

President Trump takes office

After a shock victory in the 2016 presidential elections, Donald Trump is inaugurated as the 45th President of the United States – the first orange American to assume the role. At first the world breathes easy when he declines to attend meetings or announce any policies beyond ranting on Twitter. Instead Trump prioritises the redecoration of the White House in gold leaf and the removal of all paintings depicting non-Billionaire “loser” presidents. Security services easily distract The Donald by giving him a fake general’s uniform covered in medals and a tour of Area 51, meanwhile staff take the opportunity to install a giant red button that says “start Nuclear War!” – when pressed it floods the oval office with young women in bikinis and sleepy gas. By April Trump reveals a hand-picked team to run the most powerful nation in the world – including disgraced pharmaceutical boss Martin Shkreli, five virginal internet nazis, Steven Seagal, Vladimir Putin, the sexual assault bear from The Revenant and Piers Morgan. Nevertheless no concrete policies are brought into force, because Trump denies his own election promises and arrests anybody who tries to quote him on them.

2017 in celebrity deaths:

the grim reaper’s victory lap

David Attenborough dies (eaten by penguins). Paul McCartney dies (run over by a yellow submarine). Delia Smith and Nigella Lawson die (death by chocolate). The Queen of England dies (slipped on a corgi). All remaining members of the original Star Wars cast die (after reading spoilers). Katie Hopkins stays alive (like a cockroach). Stephen Fry dies (cuts himself on a quip). Kanye West doesn’t die, but tries to start a breakaway nation and is imprisoned by President Trump’s Minister for Justice (Hulk Hogan). Peppa Pig dies (turned into artisan pulled pork). Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton, Bill Clinton, Bernie Sanders and countless American journalists and intellectuals die (in completely non-suspicious circumstances).

2017 in culture: spoilers everywhere

In 2017 music, art and literature are thin on the ground, as nobody wants to become too beloved by the people and risk leaving the planet before their time. This allows the comprehensively unlovable Honey G from X Factor to ride to the top of the British charts, and for the immortal Taylor Swift to establish total daytime radio dominance, even if each of her successive boyfriends meets his end in increasingly gruesome and implausible ways. The Kardashian family remains sufficiently unpleasant to avoid the celebrity grim reaper, and strengthens its dynastic hold on the pages of supermarket tabloids by marrying some of its junior members into other celebrity families such as the Osbornes, the Jacksons and the Simpsons. Comics fans are entertained by eleven new movies from Marvel Studios, including fan favourites such as Beetle Teens, Dyslexic Muscle Scout and Space Accountant. Reflecting the spirit of the age, Game of Thrones finishes with a three-hour final episode that kills off every single character, even Sir Boring and Lady Boobsout, who are only onscreen for thirty seconds in season two.

2017 in politics (pt2):

Britain has a bit of a tiff

In Europe, a Brexit deal is finally achieved when Britain agrees to surrender free movement, tariff-free trade and all inward EU investment in exchange for a passport with a picture of the Dad’s Army cast and a guarantee that the full English will always be available at cafes on the Costa del Sol. The pound stabilises at €0.6 and 0.75 Trumpdollars, based on strong demand for Britain’s remaining exports: Robinson’s Racially Insensitive Strawberry Jam and Adele records. Whilst the UK is distracted by bloody riots sparked by a lack of innuendo in the new version of The Great British Bakeoff, Nigel Farage appoints himself Lord Protector and suspends what is left of democracy. With Attenborough and Fry dead, it is announced that all nature documentaries must be narrated by Jeremy Clarkson or Janet Street-Porter. Britain riots again, smashes all its remaining nice things, and Farage is executed by Bill Oddie partisans. 

2017 in technology: jack off

Despite unexpectedly bad sales of the iPhone 7, Apple decides to double down on its critics and release a new iPhone with no headphone jack, volume control or port for a charge cable. Headphones are surgically implanted directly into the user’s skull and the phone can only be re-energised by placing it on a special altar, which will not supply power if it detects insufficient loyalty to Apple products. A mission to colonise Mars is founded by the owners of Amazon, Microsoft and Facebook, but is beset by problems because the rocket software tries to upgrade to Windows 11 and the engine readouts are hidden under inspirational quotes reposted by the astronauts’ mums. Also, nobody wants to pay extra for Amazon Prime so that the rocket will actually arrive on time.

2017 in politics (pt3):

China in your hands

By the middle of November, many people are claiming that 2017 is absolutely the worst year on record and that nothing worse can possibly happen. Humanity had shown itself to be unprepared for Zika’s ability to evolve into a zombie plague, for climate change to end the production of Innocent fruit smoothies or for the traditionally-reserved British people to strangle each other over a jar of Marmite. Once again, predictions were wrong, as President Trump manages to stumble on the genuine nuclear codes when searching online for an even younger wife. Within forty minutes a missile strike has been launched against China, who are in a position to retaliate immediately because Julian Assange gave them Trump’s wifi password (“BigDonald69”). Across both nations, anybody who hadn’t spend the last 11 months constructing a bunker is incinerated, with the exception of Taylor Swift. On the bright side, Jersey’s careful neutrality in international matters allows our small Island community to eke out a continued existence. Who would have guessed that sea lettuce has anti-radioactive properties, or that our historic tolerance of country Parish mutants would help us adjust to citizens with three arms and psychic powers? Always look on the bright side of life – I hope you enjoy other Gallery features coming up, including a fashion shoot of charred rags and the best dented tins that can be exchanged for a kilo of seagull meat.

Is your face sad? Are you missing something to give you purpose? Are you the sort of person who looks at a workplace poster of a skydiver and contemplates taking some accounts home to do at the weekend? If this is you then you might be the target audience for the positive thinking industry. It’s big on ideas, but unlike traditional religions or UFO cults it’s short on actual commitments.

You don’t need to go on a pilgrimage or give up ham, but you do need to promise yourself you’ll consider doing yoga next week, tidy your living room or eat broccoli. Eventually. It’s the philosophical equivalent of setting up a direct debit to hedgehog rescue and then forgetting about it until you accidentally run one of them over. But will it work for me, a man with the temperament of Eeyore and a lifetime of ingrained bad habits? Can I change from the inside, and if I do will I change like a beautiful butterfly or like an unopened container of stale yoghurt?

Share this if U R a strong independent woman who don’t need no man

Being that I’ve blocked anybody who shares inspirational quotes on social media I am seldom exposed to positive thinking. My prevailing mood is like a bad smell in an unventilated toilet, and telling me to think positive is the equivalent of spraying some Glade in the bowl and hoping you won’t asphyxiate before you’re done. I did however venture to the bookshop recently to pick up some classic literature (the autobiography of “Macho Man” Randy Savage) and it was hard not to notice the incredible growth of life manuals, emotional antivirus and high-concept advice about how to become a genius. There’s stacks of smiling skeletal hippy girls asking for £15 to help banish your anxieties, maybe by leaving your office job to make vegan milkshakes in a yurt. Since I last went in there (autobiography of “Stone Cold” Steve Austin) these books have overrun the usual Jersey bestsellers such as Bravo Two Zero and devoured Jilly Cooper’s shelf space like an invasive hornet. Their popularity is dubious though – if these books were any good at improving people’s lives you’d presumably only need the one.

I figured there was space in my reading list (between the biographies of each member of Legion of Doom) so I grabbed a couple of titles by Malcolm Gladwell and a book by somebody called Marie Kondo. I read the last one on the bus, and was bitterly disappointed that she when she talks about “tidying away problems” she isn’t referring to secret ninja techniques for hiding bodies.

This one crazy idea

will change your life 

Malcolm Gladwell, for those of you who aren’t familiar with him, is a good example of the sort of person who makes money from positive thinking. He’s a professorish journalist who got rich giving the kind of advice that sounds really inspiring to a bunch of tipsy bosses at an expensive seminar, but just comes across as simplistic and patronising when delivered back to you second hand. He takes a vaguely provocative idea, like saying it still takes a lot of work to be successful at something you’re good at (WOW – mind blown), and spins it out through a series of anecdotes that allegedly prove his point in surprising ways. I found that all they really did was prove the point that you can’t get a meaningful lesson about humanity from a series of neat little stories, and that Malcolm Gladwell is just a stupid person’s idea of what a smart person should sound like. He talks like the president in a US political drama, where the scriptwriters are at pains to make it seem like you need to be really smart to be president. Let’s forget about GW Bush and hope that’s still true by the time this magazine is in print. Reading Gladwell didn’t make me feel positive about myself, just angry I’d paid money to be patronised as if I’m the sort of person who thinks watching QI makes them an intellectual.

Change comes from within, President Assad

The big problem with the positive thinking industry is something that all of the participants in at are trying very hard to obscure – which is that it uses pretend scientific language to sell you ideas that are actually closer to fables, or the religious homilies that lots of these people will happily make fun of. This applies equally to the healthy food bloggers, the relaxation gurus, the tidyers, the Gladwells. 90% of TED talks are no more scientific than one of those Nigerian preachers you find on the upper channels of cable TV, except the advice has switched from telling you you’ll go to heaven if you give up lobster to silicon valley waffle about how you can hack your work-life balance by doing spreadsheets standing up. I’ll tell you something I can hack – it’s you, and it’s with a machete. At least religious people are honest enough to say your ultimate reward won’t be until you get to heaven. Positive thinking gurus get rich by telling you stories, usually rooted in their own fortunate or otherwise unusual lives, that are supposed to apply equally to the dull everyday lives of the rest of us. This universal advice might be true if your audience is entirely composed of anxious, moderately wealthy broadsheet readers, but I’d like to see if anything would happen if we parachuted a bunch of wellness manuals into Aleppo or Haiti. Is it possible to topple Assad with kale and tahini smoothies? Can hurricanes be turned into rainbows with an amusing story about somebody who threw out all their old paperbacks? I suspect not.

We learned a valuable

lesson today

I will concede it’s probably healthier to have a positive outlook on life, or at least more positive than mine, but you need to retain some perspective and acknowledge that there’s also plenty of real stuff to potentially worry about. Most people in the world have a hard existence, and our own lives might not always be this comfortable. We should be grateful for the immediate life circumstances that give us the time and money to consider reading a book about tidying, but that doesn’t mean we should ignore the gathering clouds on the horizon. Climate change, terrorism, the rise of fascism across the globe – I maintain I have more of a right to base my paranoid worldview on this stuff than some TV presenter does to tell me I’d be happier if I ate more spinach. It’s just a shame that nobody’s going to send a ten minute video of me talking about imminent nuclear war round on their work email to inspire the staff, but I think that’s a mistake. “Morning team! Listen to this miserable old man, and just be thankful you haven’t been struck by lightning or bitten by a rabid weasel. THINGS COULD ALWAYS BE WORSE.” If that won’t get you through the day at the office, I don’t know what will.

Having started his first business when he was just 17 Jonathan Ruff is a career entrepreneur.  He made Jersey his home nine years ago and since then he’s become most well known for changing the face of entertaining families and youngsters, thanks to the building of Tamba Park.  We talked to him about life before and after dinosaurs…

Talk to us a little about Tamba Park and in particular the charitable element of it:

I have a feeding programme called Ruffs Kitchens, it feeds starving children at schools in Zimbabwe. Up until Tamba was born I supported the feeding programme myself, feeding 5,000 children every day. I wanted to grow the programme and make it sustainable so it can carry on if I’m around, or not!

So when I found out the old Lion Park was for sale I thought it would provide the perfect opportunity to build a business which would support the feeding programme, as well as making somewhere for children to have fun, and that’s how Tamba was born! I acquired the park and then spent several months thinking of what to do with it and it snowballed from there. We started with dinos, a boat lake, an outdoor play area, café and  sculpture garden. Then eight months later we added the indoor play area, bird of prey centre and restaurant.  We can now feed over 10,000 children and I want to keep on growing Tamba with the aim of reaching the 20,000+ meal mark as soon as possible.

Having moved to Jersey nine years ago, what’s your favourite thing about living here? There are many things to like about Jersey.  I like the community feeling which I didn’t get where I come from in Preston.  I also like that I don’t have to travel hundreds of miles to do business and I can put my kids to bed each night!

It’s a fantastic place to bring up my children. Some people say Jersey is sheltered and children don’t know what the real world is, but I’d rather have my kids live a sheltered life at a young age than have to deal with the real world.  Let’s face it, the world is a messed up place and they have a lifetime to deal with that, so I feel privileged I am able to bring them up in Jersey.

Do you have a place you always take visitors? Being asked this sort of question makes me realise how much I work and how little I socialise!

I like to show people Tamba, that’s very sad isn’t it? Jersey is very different from the UK, around every corner there is a beautiful view, an awesome restaurant, a great beach, so just traveling around the island is what I like to do with visitors and family when they’re over.

You’re really hands-on at Tamba Park, has this helped you to identify ways in which to grow and develop it? I like to be hands on with all my businesses.  It’s the key to fully understanding it and making it work and I like to learn new things.  My current obsession is the kitchen.  It’s the first restaurant I’ve owned so working the pass, learning how to create meals and how the kitchen operates is very exciting.  We have just three chefs who oversee up to 500 covers a day.  Listening to our customers and making changes based on their feedback is how we’ve grown Tamba though.

All that time in the kitchen, do you have a signature dish? Toast it’s awesome and very understated! Seriously though, I’m no chef, although I like to try.

Ever thought about running for local politics? Never, ever,, ever! I am an entrepreneur not a politician, I like a dictatorship.  I think I would be a nightmare in politics. But, I have learnt over the years you need to fight for what you believe in and I am not scared to say what I feel and if something isn’t right I will go to great lengths to make it right.

You started your first business when you were 17 and have continued to build successful businesses since then, have you ever had an idea that’s just not made it?

Oh yes, I don’t dodge raindrops like some people think! I have been lucky in business, but you can’t win them all! As long as you learn from your mistakes and aren’t scared to admit when you’ve made one, you will be successful in business.

My biggest mistake was a company called Promo Machine.  It was an affiliate based search engine for online deals I created.  I spent far too much on creating the website and then underestimated the marketing spend required to get it off the ground.  After spending £1M on development and marketing and not getting the return I’d have expected I closed the business down before I got in too deep. It hurt a lot and I still think about it today as it was such a waste of money.  But it taught me loads and I’ve had many successful business ventures since.

You were quoted in The Sunday Times saying “When a company gets near to 100 employees or sales of £40m, it isn’t for me.” Why is that? That was a while back! It depends on the business but I don’t like it when I don’t know the people I employ. I don’t like it when a company turns corporate, revenue is just revenue and that doesn’t matter to me, it’s how the business feels. I feel I’m good at starting businesses from scratch and taking it to a level. Or going into a business, analysing it to see how they could grow or where they are going wrong.  But when a business needs to become corporate to grow someone else is better at the helm.  The great thing about what I am doing now is it’ll never be the case.

What’s next for Ruff Ventures? That’s a good question I would like to think I will take it easy one day, but I can’t see that happening in the near future, if ever.

I like what I am doing now, I have a property development business that’s growing. With Tamba Park, Tamba Arcade, Tamba Bar, my charity Ruffs Kitchen’s I have a lot on the go.  But I still have the energy to do more. I would really like a themed hotel, and to get my hands on Fort Regent and get that cable car going again.

I see my future in entertainment.  I enjoy putting smiles on people’s faces, it gives me a lot of happiness.  So I hope to continue developing entertainment in Jersey.

*Editorial note: If you’re not familiar with The Prodigy’s album ‘Experience’, then the title of this article is probably lost on you.