If there’s one thing you can say about the last couple of years on this planet, it’s that there’s seldom been a dull moment. Writing in December 2017 it’s hard to imagine what people from the past would think if they were here today. I’m sure many of us remember thinking that 2016 was the craziest year on record, but with the benefit of hindsight the world was only getting warmed up. Let’s take a look back at some of the events that have made 2017 so memorable.
2017 in politics (pt1):
President Trump takes office
After a shock victory in the 2016 presidential elections, Donald Trump is inaugurated as the 45th President of the United States – the first orange American to assume the role. At first the world breathes easy when he declines to attend meetings or announce any policies beyond ranting on Twitter. Instead Trump prioritises the redecoration of the White House in gold leaf and the removal of all paintings depicting non-Billionaire “loser” presidents. Security services easily distract The Donald by giving him a fake general’s uniform covered in medals and a tour of Area 51, meanwhile staff take the opportunity to install a giant red button that says “start Nuclear War!” – when pressed it floods the oval office with young women in bikinis and sleepy gas. By April Trump reveals a hand-picked team to run the most powerful nation in the world – including disgraced pharmaceutical boss Martin Shkreli, five virginal internet nazis, Steven Seagal, Vladimir Putin, the sexual assault bear from The Revenant and Piers Morgan. Nevertheless no concrete policies are brought into force, because Trump denies his own election promises and arrests anybody who tries to quote him on them.
2017 in celebrity deaths:
the grim reaper’s victory lap
David Attenborough dies (eaten by penguins). Paul McCartney dies (run over by a yellow submarine). Delia Smith and Nigella Lawson die (death by chocolate). The Queen of England dies (slipped on a corgi). All remaining members of the original Star Wars cast die (after reading spoilers). Katie Hopkins stays alive (like a cockroach). Stephen Fry dies (cuts himself on a quip). Kanye West doesn’t die, but tries to start a breakaway nation and is imprisoned by President Trump’s Minister for Justice (Hulk Hogan). Peppa Pig dies (turned into artisan pulled pork). Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton, Bill Clinton, Bernie Sanders and countless American journalists and intellectuals die (in completely non-suspicious circumstances).
2017 in culture: spoilers everywhere
In 2017 music, art and literature are thin on the ground, as nobody wants to become too beloved by the people and risk leaving the planet before their time. This allows the comprehensively unlovable Honey G from X Factor to ride to the top of the British charts, and for the immortal Taylor Swift to establish total daytime radio dominance, even if each of her successive boyfriends meets his end in increasingly gruesome and implausible ways. The Kardashian family remains sufficiently unpleasant to avoid the celebrity grim reaper, and strengthens its dynastic hold on the pages of supermarket tabloids by marrying some of its junior members into other celebrity families such as the Osbornes, the Jacksons and the Simpsons. Comics fans are entertained by eleven new movies from Marvel Studios, including fan favourites such as Beetle Teens, Dyslexic Muscle Scout and Space Accountant. Reflecting the spirit of the age, Game of Thrones finishes with a three-hour final episode that kills off every single character, even Sir Boring and Lady Boobsout, who are only onscreen for thirty seconds in season two.
2017 in politics (pt2):
Britain has a bit of a tiff
In Europe, a Brexit deal is finally achieved when Britain agrees to surrender free movement, tariff-free trade and all inward EU investment in exchange for a passport with a picture of the Dad’s Army cast and a guarantee that the full English will always be available at cafes on the Costa del Sol. The pound stabilises at €0.6 and 0.75 Trumpdollars, based on strong demand for Britain’s remaining exports: Robinson’s Racially Insensitive Strawberry Jam and Adele records. Whilst the UK is distracted by bloody riots sparked by a lack of innuendo in the new version of The Great British Bakeoff, Nigel Farage appoints himself Lord Protector and suspends what is left of democracy. With Attenborough and Fry dead, it is announced that all nature documentaries must be narrated by Jeremy Clarkson or Janet Street-Porter. Britain riots again, smashes all its remaining nice things, and Farage is executed by Bill Oddie partisans.
2017 in technology: jack off
Despite unexpectedly bad sales of the iPhone 7, Apple decides to double down on its critics and release a new iPhone with no headphone jack, volume control or port for a charge cable. Headphones are surgically implanted directly into the user’s skull and the phone can only be re-energised by placing it on a special altar, which will not supply power if it detects insufficient loyalty to Apple products. A mission to colonise Mars is founded by the owners of Amazon, Microsoft and Facebook, but is beset by problems because the rocket software tries to upgrade to Windows 11 and the engine readouts are hidden under inspirational quotes reposted by the astronauts’ mums. Also, nobody wants to pay extra for Amazon Prime so that the rocket will actually arrive on time.
2017 in politics (pt3):
China in your hands
By the middle of November, many people are claiming that 2017 is absolutely the worst year on record and that nothing worse can possibly happen. Humanity had shown itself to be unprepared for Zika’s ability to evolve into a zombie plague, for climate change to end the production of Innocent fruit smoothies or for the traditionally-reserved British people to strangle each other over a jar of Marmite. Once again, predictions were wrong, as President Trump manages to stumble on the genuine nuclear codes when searching online for an even younger wife. Within forty minutes a missile strike has been launched against China, who are in a position to retaliate immediately because Julian Assange gave them Trump’s wifi password (“BigDonald69”). Across both nations, anybody who hadn’t spend the last 11 months constructing a bunker is incinerated, with the exception of Taylor Swift. On the bright side, Jersey’s careful neutrality in international matters allows our small Island community to eke out a continued existence. Who would have guessed that sea lettuce has anti-radioactive properties, or that our historic tolerance of country Parish mutants would help us adjust to citizens with three arms and psychic powers? Always look on the bright side of life – I hope you enjoy other Gallery features coming up, including a fashion shoot of charred rags and the best dented tins that can be exchanged for a kilo of seagull meat.