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Sam & Gaston

Sam and Gaston
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Breed:
Gaston      Pug
Sam          Human
 

Age:
Gaston      5 months  
Sam          25
 

Likes:
Gaston      Walnuts, grapes, running around in the autumn leaves and making new friends
Sam          Dancing and cooking
 

Hates:  
Gaston      Doing my business in front of people (I am very shy)
Sam          Not much at the moment
 

If human/animal would be:
Gaston      A Formula 1 driver (I love my trips in the car and running at full speed around the room, sooooo much fun)
Sam          A cat, preferably living where I am now with Gaston as my buddy…
 

Wants:
Gaston      More walnuts please!
Sam          A flying device which can get me somewhere fast and for free!
 

interesting facts:
Gaston      I love watching Holby City and I have a white patch on my chest
Sam          I can show all my teeth at once, whilst smiling (does that count?)
 

Most impressive thing ever done:
Gaston      I barked for the first time just a week ago
Sam          Cooked a Lobster Bisque from scratch (it tasted out of this world!)

Listen to your animal talk…

Georgie Clifford
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Listen to your animals talk…
Gallery checks out obscure New Year practices from around the world

words | Georgie Clifford

Everybody loves celebrating New Year, whether to celebrate the year they've had, look forward to the new one or just to party away. All around the world people celebrate the coming of a new year in different, weird and wonderful ways. Wouldn't it be interesting to join in on a different tradition for the holiday?

For example if somehow, for whatever reason, you fancy being from Ecuador for this time of year, call it "Ano Vjeno", create a scarecrow resembling a fake person or dummy and stuff it with old newspapers and firecrackers. Place it outside your home, just as the tradition suggests, and at midnight set your dummy on fire. Boom. Literally. The old year is forgotten and the new one begins.

If perhaps you feel you might have been Chinese in another life or want to elongate your celebrations, their traditions might entice you. They create money trees. Yes, money trees. Dancers climb upon one another, creating a human ladder to reach the "lucky money" in high places. Bringing the fantasy to life, they decorate them with old coins and paper flowers.

Rumour has it that in Denmark it's a good sign to have a pile of broken dishes outside your door at New Year. They save their old dishes all year round to throw them at their friends’ homes. However flattering it may be, seeing as the idea is that the more broken dishes you have the more friends you have, I probably wouldn't suggest this one. Then again, who wouldn't love to have a scratched up door and more of a mess to clear up? Regardless, it's a sure symbol of friendship and good luck.

The kids might like this one. In Greece, ‘St Basil’ fills the children's shoes with presents at midnight. What a mixture – Jersey's tradition of Santa and stockings alongside Greece's St Basil and shoes!

Many countries have traditions they believe will bring them good luck. For example, in Puerto Rico the children like to throw water out of the window at midnight in order to rid their homes of evil spirits. (Hopefully defenceless passers-by avoid walking below windows at midnight to avoid a good drenching.) In Spain, the people eat 12 grapes – one grape for every stroke of the clock, representing each month. Ah, those healthy Spaniards. Switzerland let a drop of cream land on the floor on New Year’s Day for good luck while the French eat a pile of pancakes for good health. It's at times like these that being French sounds appealing. Belgian farmers like to wish their animals a Happy New Year – quite lovely. Bless those Belgian farmers.

Looking for a conversation starter with our current influx of Romanians? Tradition dictates that they try to listen for their farm animals talking on New Year’s Day. Sorry to let you know, but if you've always hoped your pet secretly possessed the talent of speaking, it's very bad luck if they do. Luckily, the animals still haven't spoken up so the good luck continues. The Japanese seem to follow pretty random (to us) traditions. For example, for good luck and happiness, seaweed or ferns are hung over their doors and rooftops and "Forgetting-year" parties are held in order to say goodbye to the year just passed. Family and friends are forgiven for any disagreements or misunderstandings that may have previously taken place which sounds rather inspirational, really. On New Year's Eve, bells are rung 108 times to diminish 108 problems or troubles.

They say it broadens the mind to know about other cultures and many seem to have unusual and exciting ways of celebrating the particular event of New Year. Perhaps some of the traditions wouldn’t be so effective in places other than where they take place, as I can’t imagine a Jersey Bean being overly happy with water poured over their heads or smashed plates on their doorsteps. Nonetheless, it’s always interesting to know how others celebrate and what brings them together. Enjoy your holidays and good luck in your New Year. 

Begerac’s back

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Meeting up with John Nettles on a rainy afternoon in Jersey seems perfectly normal. After all, as Bergerac, he’s such an iconic Jersey character you almost expect to see him out and about around the island, speeding down the Avenue or in a corner of the Old Court House, taking a break from tracking down criminals.  

The truth is, he’s still piecing together convoluted stories and uncovering the truth, but this time it’s not about glamorous jewel thieves or corrupt millionaires, it’s the real story behind the island’s five years of Nazi occupation.  ‘The Channel Islands at War’ a series about the occupation, written and presented by John Nettles, is now available on DVD.

A history graduate himself, Nettles explains the desire to produce the documentary, which ran on the Yesterday channel and was seen by 2 million viewers, grew after writers like Madeleine Bunting and David Fraser had presented their own takes on the islands’ occupation.  “They blew the whole world of the occupation wide open.  There seemed to be a need for a reappraisal of the whole period here.  That was the academic reason, the other reason was that I wanted to find out exactly what it was like during those seminal years and talk to the survivors and find out what actually happened.”  

The occupation is still a controversial subject with plenty of questions surrounding the years between 1940 and 1945 with a particular focus on whether the island collaborated with the occupying forces.  But for Nettles, the real discovery was that conditions in the islands were far worse than the picture painted by official reports immediately after the occupation. “Much, much worse.  It was the suffering that appalled me, the sheer bloodiness of it, the casual savagery and the extraordinary fear.”  By including eyewitness accounts, archive footage and recently discovered documentation, Nettles hopes the series will bring an accurate insight into the events of the time. “A relation of what happened during the war through the eyes of the people who were actually there at the time, that’s the main thing.”

He talks with great warmth and feeling about the survivors he interviewed, and you get the impression he feels a certain responsibility to ensure their story was told and get out of the “cocoon of unreality which is TV” as he describes it, “and talk to real people in the real world”.  He pauses for a moment as he relates how when he found himself on the Honours List recently, he was saddened by the media reaction.  “Her Majesty by some oversight gave me an OBE and I was delighted to receive it, although I found it rather depressing that the only person the media wanted to talk to was me.  I was there with brave men and women who’d done extremely brave things, but they wouldn’t talk to them.  It’s a great sadness.”

A fair point, although in the public’s imagination, John Nettles will forever be the super sleuth DCI Barnaby, catching criminals and battling Midsomer’s alarmingly high murder rate.  But it’s the character of Bergerac he has a soft spot for. “In my head, old as I am, I identify with Bergerac, because inside I’m really still driving silly cars, rescuing beautiful maidens on cliff tops.  You see, you don’t want to let go of that dream do you!”

Filming Bergerac in Jersey was memorable because as he says, “I was relatively young, I was in Jersey and it was glorious.  It was like one endless summer”.  Fast cars, plenty of on-screen love interests, and stunning island locations, you can see why John Nettles might have fond memories of his time as Bergerac. “There’s one scene I particularly remember of an E-type Jaguar taking off up the Esplanade, and Bergerac in the red 1947 Triumph – falling to bits – but overtaking the Jaguar and running it off the road – it’s wonderful stuff!  But in the real world of course, Tom Barnaby’s much more like me, he’s kind of getting on a bit.”  Despite ‘getting on a bit’ as he says, there are plenty of Bergerac and Barnaby fans, and some have been known to take their obsession a bit far.  “Ah yes, there are quite a few stalkers.  There’s a Norwegian one who sends me diet sheets because she thinks I’m too fat.  She’s a karate expert too and she wrote me a long list of what she’d like to do with me.  And… no.  It wasn’t fun at all. But most of my admirers are old and withered, rather like me and that’s a bit depressing.”

Nettles is a frequent visitor back to the island he’s had so much to do with – his daughter and grandchildren live here.  After having filmed island-wide for so many years, I wonder where his favourite spot is.  He answers straight away. “Beauport.  I like it because it’s utterly unspoilt – apart from the steps of course.  I remember once when we were filming with Richard Griffiths (Pie in the Sky and Uncle Vernon in the Harry Potter films), he thought he’d treat us all to some champagne down on the beach. He buried it in the sand at Beauport in the morning, but of course while we were filming the tide came in and when we got back down there – did he have any idea of where he’d buried it?  None at all.  They are probably still a couple of bottles of champagne, under the sand somewhere down there…”

Mean Kittens Horrorscopes

Mean Kitten
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Are you convinced that over 5 million people in the UK have exactly the same destiny as you each day? No, nor us. Mean Kitten takes a look at the future this month for those gullible enough to believe it.

 

SCORPIO  Oct 24-Nov 22   
This is a great month for you to sharpen your skills as a cut-throat schemer. You want success at any cost and you don’t care who you have to maim or cheat to get it. Your innate sluttiness means that you have plenty of sexual partners, and the rest of your colleagues are highly entertained by all the petty dramas that seem to surround your sex life. You can be very secretive, jealous and one of the most cruelly vindictive individuals to cross. You never forgive or forget and underneath that sulky pout lies a cauldron of simmering rage. Carry on.
 
 

SAGITTARIUS  Nov 23-Dec 21  
This month everything will go your way. It has to doesn’t it? They still haven’t found the bodies of the last people who gamely said “No” to you. You possess that magical combination of pushiness, tactlessness and pig-headedness that enables you to steamroll over any opponents. You are ruthlessly controlling and always happy to draw attention to others’ shortcomings, while highlighting your own as supposed strengths. Easily irritated, with a mean streak a mile wide – yet you wonder why people don’t always “take” to you. Psychopath.
 
 
 
CAPRICORN  Dec 22-Jan 20  
This could be a tough month for Capricorns, but an even tougher one for the rest of us who have to endure your humourless, over-bearing self-serving ways. It physically pains you to spend money, so you will be even more tight-fisted than usual. In fact the only thing you’re generous with is bad news. Unfortunately, this month there won’t be quite enough doom and  gloom for you to enjoy. Maybe now’s the time to just start making it up – nobody listens to you anyway.  Most people would rather walk blindfolded into oncoming traffic than suffer the misery of socialising with you. You see yourself as an independent leader standing above the crowd, we see you as a crazy loner with no friends. Freak.
 

 
AQUARIUS  Jan 21-Feb19  
Talkative, friendly and always upbeat – how annoying are you? If someone told you their house had burnt down, they were bankrupt and someone had shot their dog, you would still smile and point out the “advantages” of their misery. So, it might be another month of people avoiding you and cursing you under their breath – but at least now, you know why! You need to spend a few minutes every day practicing your best “concerned” look in front of a mirror. Or simply learn to do what the rest of us do – fake it. Robot.
 

 
PISCES  Feb 20-Mar 20  
This month you’ll be spending a lot of time doing what comes naturally to you – spreading vicious rumours and carelessly trampling over other people’s feelings. Amazingly, you might even manage to hold on to your current job despite being a clueless, unreliable, bone-idle slacker who passes the buck at every opportunity. People often say your head is in the clouds, but that’s probably a good thing for your mental health because you won’t hear the abuse the rest of us are raining down on you. You’re an empty-headed fool and as irritating as roadworks. Cretin.
 
 
ARIES  Mar 21-Apr 20   
This month your fear of rejection will reach new heights. Unfortunately this means you will be lashing out at the rest of us even more violently than usual. You think you’re just being impulsive, we think you’re an aggressive maniac who can only be stopped by a silver bullet. Your lack of patience and compassion for others will shine through this month as your intolerant nature makes you more enemies with each passing day.You grind your teeth even when you’re awake. Congratulations. Thug.
 

 
TAURUS  Apr 21-May 21  
There’s nothing you love more than a steady routine, so this month will find you still plodding through life like a sloth on tranquillisers. You try to give the impression that you’re just easy-going, but as anyone who has had the pleasure of your company will testify, you are so lazy it’s a miracle you’re still breathing without a ventilator. There is one thing though, that (slightly) raises your pulse, and that’s your insane jealousy over other people’s good fortune. So this month will see you seething with resentment and burning with envy if you hear of anybody even finding 20 pence down the back of their sofa. Pathetic.
 

 
GEMINI  May 22-June 21
In the World Backstabbing Championships Geminis always win Gold, so you’ll be pleased to know that it’s business as usual for you this month.You also have a special talent for being able to lie as easily (and as often!) as the rest of us blink. Being as shallow and two-faced as you are takes a lot of effort, so keep up the good work. If you ever get found out just thank your lucky stars that you’re much too superficial and selfish to care. On a health note, stay away from people with real problems this month, as your inability to empathise with or care about anyone else may result in you being shoved under the wheels of a bus. Karma.
 

CANCER  June 22-July 23  
This month you’ll be busy with home and family issues. What most people don’t realise about you is that underneath that thin veneer of caring and nurturing, lies a devious, melodramatic schemer of the highest calibre.Your oversensitivity to even the slightest criticism means you’ll be spending a lot of time curled up on the floor in the “helpless victim” position, drowning in your own tears. December will be full of opportunities for you to indulge in even more crazy moodswings and drive everyone else mad with your needy, self-pitying whining ways. How your delusional rantings haven’t led to you being sectioned under the Mental Health Act is testament to your Machiavellian manipulative skills. Well done.
 

LEO  July 24-Aug 23  
Your constant craving to be the centre of attention has had the rest of us wondering whether you simply want everyone to like you. So this month you’ll finally be able to show people that you’re actually mentally unstable. There’s nothing you love more than being at the centre of a drama and luckily that’s where your conceit, arrogance and egotistical nature often puts you. You have been blessed with all the charm of a septic wound

 
VIRGO  Aug 24-Sep 23  
It’s going to be a bumper month for you, as you’ll have loads of opportunities to expand upon your repertoire of obsessive-compulsive behaviours. Being critical is your default setting and this combined with your permanent disapproving frown will endear you to absolutely no-one. Don’t be expecting lots of party invites either, as most of your acquaintances would rather undergo a lumbar puncture than endure even ten seconds of your company. Still, this will give you more time to concentrate on your favourite thing, working up your hypochondria to fever pitch. With you, even a simple head cold can be life-threatening, but not as dangerous as the colleagues who want to staple your flapping tongue to your desk.
 

LIBRA  Sep 24-Oct 23   
This could be your month to shine – but it probably won’t be. Shining requires energy and that’s where you fall down. The only thing you show any aptitude for is flirting, and even this is overshadowed by your indecisive, shallow, fickle nature. There’s nothing you love more than squandering time and money. If you’re stuck in a career rut always remember that  someone as superficial, feckless and reckless as you would make a fantastic gambler. Spendthrift timewaster.

Arr ‘Mate’

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Arr ‘Mate’
An Australian man has been jailed for addressing a magistrate as “mate”.

Thomas John Collins was locked up after twice calling Magistrate Matthew McLaughlin “mate” during a hearing in Ipswich, Queensland. When Magistrate McLaughlin objected and ordered Collins to address him as “sir” or “your honour’’, he replied: “OK mate”, reports the Courier Mail. That was the final straw which resulted in Collins being sent for a stint in the cells. He later returned to the courtroom to apologise. The incident outraged one local politician who is calling for all Queensland magistrates to attend anger management classes. Ipswich councillor Paul Tully said there was nothing “more Australian than calling someone ‘mate’” and it was hard to believe someone could be locked up for using the word. “It is getting out of control….I say to every magistrate – ‘Come on mate, get off your high horse and show some tolerance’.”
 

Sunbeds for inmates

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Sunbeds for inmates.
A Russian prison is to install sunbeds and mud baths to improve the health of its inmates.
Sergei Telyatnikov, head of Moscow’s Butyrka remand prison, said inmates would also be allowed to use Skype to make voice and video calls to relatives. Russia’s prisons have been criticised as being overcrowded and badly managed with poor medical facilities. Mr Telyatnikov was quoted as telling the Vesti FM radio station: “We are developing additional medical services… and even sunbeds will be put in place.” He said the sunbeds would be installed by the end of the year, but that prisoners would have to apply for permission before using them, and would be charged for doing so.
 

Excess Weight

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Excess Weight
A woman buying fruit and vegetables was overcharged – because the shop assistant’s breasts were resting on the scales.
Jim Hopley, chief executive of Channel Islands Co-operative, said the assistant’s seat had been too low at the Jersey supermarket, reports the BBC. Mr Hopley said this had caused the shopper to be accidentally charged an extra £5, which had now been refunded. “It was an unfortunate incident. The poor lady involved was totally mortified, but the customer rightly was concerned about it,” he said.

Cheeky Chappy

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Cheeky Chappy
Bosses on TV game show Countdown had to edit out part of the show after a contestant submitted an eight-letter expletive.
A section of a recent show had to be refilmed after a Cambridge University maths student found an obscene use for the letters: ‘DTCEIASHF’. Audience members erupted in laughter when Jack Hurst, 18, spelt out ‘S***face’ but producers were less amused, reports The Sun. Language expert Susie Dent confirmed to presenter Jeff Stelling that the word, describing a “rude or obnoxious person”, was acceptable but Channel 4 ruled the round would have to be filmed again, with new letters. Countdown contestants are given a mixture of nine consonants and vowels, and have thirty seconds in which to rearrange them to make the longest possible word. Earlier this year, Stelling and co-presenter Rachel Riley visibly squirmed when the letter A was followed by U, D, F, C, K and E, potentially creating a six-letter profanity. But on that occasion both contestants tactfully ducked the obvious by opting for shorter words.
 

Legally Blonde

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Ask A Silly Question. The following exchanges all occurred in American courts of law

“Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the morning”

Q: “Doctor how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?”
A: “All my autopsies are performed on dead people.”

Q: “The date of conception of the baby was August?”
A: “Yes.”
Q: “What were you doing at the time?”

Q: “All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?”
A: “Oral”

“How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision”

“You were there until the time you left, is this true?”

Q: “Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?”
A: “No”
Q: “Did you check for blood pressure?”
A: “No”
Q: “Did you check for breathing?”
A: “No”
Q: “So then is it possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?”
A: “No”
Q: “How can you be so sure, Doctor?”
A: “Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar”
Q: “But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?”
A: “It is possible that he could have been alive and practising law somewhere”

Q: “Are you qualified to give a urine sample?”
A: “I have been since early childhood”

Q: “Can you describe the individual?”
A: “About medium height and had a beard.”
Q: “Was this a male or female?”

“Were you present when your picture was taken?”

Q: “Mr Slattery, you went on rather an elaborate honeymoon, didn’t you?”
A: “Well I went to Europe Sir.”
Q: “And you took your new wife?”

“Were you alone or by yourself?”

 

Fancy a first-class lifestyle like a celebrity or royalty?

Louise Hannah
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Fancy a first-class lifestyle like a celebrity or royalty?  
Camilla Parker Bowles’ nephew Ben Elliot spoke to Gallery about Quintessentially, the concierge service he co-founded a decade ago.
Words | Louise Hannah

Money isn’t the only thing needed to lead a first-class lifestyle.  You could have countless zeros spilling across your bank statement, but without access, some events or opportunities will always remain unreachable.  Quintessentially’s aim is to provide a key to that world >
 

>  It brands itself as a ‘global, luxury lifestyle management company’.  What that means is that for a fee, members are able to call their account manager twenty four hours a day, seven days a week, 365 days a year with any request and expect to have it fixed.  Ben says this can range from the mundane – such as wanting a table at a fully booked restaurant – to the truly mind blowing.  “We’ve received some amazingly elaborate requests, such as closing the Sydney Harbour Bridge for a private climb so a member could propose to his partner, or hosting a private and romantic dinner on an iceberg.  We’ve organized trips to the North Pole and even arranged a private party in one of the Angkor Wat Temples in Cambodia.”
He insists they’re rarely unable to come up with the goods.  “The main reason some requests are tougher than others are short deadlines. We’d only definitely say no if it’s illegal or immoral. Apart from that, we’d hope to be able to fulfill anything that was physically possible – or at least give it a good go!”
Ben – who’s cultivated one of the most enviable contacts books in London – is also prepared to pull in favours for charity.  Darcy Bussell, the UK’s most famous prima ballerina, recently performed a private dance at a gala organized by Quintessentially in aid of Unicef.  Champagne sponsors provided the drink, there was an eight course dinner by Michelin-starred chef Tom Aitken and a vocal performance by Katherine Jenkins.  And he says London isn’t the only place where they can fix favours.  “We offer exceptional access on an international scale. We currently have offices in 56 different countries around the world with more opening soon.  We believe this provides an unrivalled global reach that really sets us apart from the rest.”
He adds: “When we created the business ten years ago, the small team of founding partners were the ones sleeping with their mobiles by their ears in order to make sure their clients had uninterrupted support.”
He believes it’s this attention to detail that remains the most important factor.  “Within the luxury industry, service is paramount. It has to be proactive, attentive and efficient. Every client has their own idea of what luxury is, whether it’s blanketing a ball room of a 16th century country estate with fresh yellow roses, or having Dire Straits perform at your wedding. Knowing your member is crucial, and attention to detail is vital, especially when creating something bespoke that will be one of a kind.  The level of perfectionism should flow through the entire production, down to even the tableware with unique glasses and striking decoration.”
The problem, surely, with consistently coming up with such spectacular events, must be how to keep surprising clients?  Ben says they’re working on a project – ready in 2013 – which should trump even the most demanding and decadent customer’s expectations.  “We’ve created a deluxe floating private members’ club on board a 700 foot yacht, which will travel the globe.  It’s called Q one and will have 12 private residences on board, a first class hotel, restaurants, bars, nightclubs and a casino. There’ll also be a recording studio, cigar lounge, luxury spa, a gym with the latest equipment, a luxury shopping emporium, a state-of-the-art business centre and a beach club on the top deck of the ship.”  And if that wasn’t audacious enough, there’ll also be a retractable marina at the stern of the ship which can be extended to provide berths for large private yachts who want to come and visit.
It will cost an eye watering ten thousand euros to become a member, but islanders without that kind of money could still see the floating first class palace from Jersey’s shores.  Ben insists there’s no reason the yacht wouldn’t be able to pay the island a visit.
He adds: “Quintessentially is a service for all. It’s hugely important for getting to grips with the exploding global luxury market and helping clients who want to lead a certain lifestyle, but who don’t always have the time or contacts to organise it. Islanders can definitely benefit from the large number of services on offer”.
 

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