FeaturesMean Kittens Horrorscopes

Mean Kittens Horrorscopes

Are you convinced that over 5 million people in the UK have exactly the same destiny as you each day? No, nor us. Mean Kitten takes a look at the future this month for those gullible enough to believe it.


SCORPIO  Oct 24-Nov 22   
This is a great month for you to sharpen your skills as a cut-throat schemer. You want success at any cost and you don’t care who you have to maim or cheat to get it. Your innate sluttiness means that you have plenty of sexual partners, and the rest of your colleagues are highly entertained by all the petty dramas that seem to surround your sex life. You can be very secretive, jealous and one of the most cruelly vindictive individuals to cross. You never forgive or forget and underneath that sulky pout lies a cauldron of simmering rage. Carry on.


SAGITTARIUS  Nov 23-Dec 21  
This month everything will go your way. It has to doesn’t it? They still haven’t found the bodies of the last people who gamely said “No” to you. You possess that magical combination of pushiness, tactlessness and pig-headedness that enables you to steamroll over any opponents. You are ruthlessly controlling and always happy to draw attention to others’ shortcomings, while highlighting your own as supposed strengths. Easily irritated, with a mean streak a mile wide – yet you wonder why people don’t always “take” to you. Psychopath.

CAPRICORN  Dec 22-Jan 20  
This could be a tough month for Capricorns, but an even tougher one for the rest of us who have to endure your humourless, over-bearing self-serving ways. It physically pains you to spend money, so you will be even more tight-fisted than usual. In fact the only thing you’re generous with is bad news. Unfortunately, this month there won’t be quite enough doom and  gloom for you to enjoy. Maybe now’s the time to just start making it up – nobody listens to you anyway.  Most people would rather walk blindfolded into oncoming traffic than suffer the misery of socialising with you. You see yourself as an independent leader standing above the crowd, we see you as a crazy loner with no friends. Freak.


AQUARIUS  Jan 21-Feb19  
Talkative, friendly and always upbeat – how annoying are you? If someone told you their house had burnt down, they were bankrupt and someone had shot their dog, you would still smile and point out the “advantages” of their misery. So, it might be another month of people avoiding you and cursing you under their breath – but at least now, you know why! You need to spend a few minutes every day practicing your best “concerned” look in front of a mirror. Or simply learn to do what the rest of us do – fake it. Robot.

PISCES  Feb 20-Mar 20  
This month you’ll be spending a lot of time doing what comes naturally to you – spreading vicious rumours and carelessly trampling over other people’s feelings. Amazingly, you might even manage to hold on to your current job despite being a clueless, unreliable, bone-idle slacker who passes the buck at every opportunity. People often say your head is in the clouds, but that’s probably a good thing for your mental health because you won’t hear the abuse the rest of us are raining down on you. You’re an empty-headed fool and as irritating as roadworks. Cretin.

ARIES  Mar 21-Apr 20   
This month your fear of rejection will reach new heights. Unfortunately this means you will be lashing out at the rest of us even more violently than usual. You think you’re just being impulsive, we think you’re an aggressive maniac who can only be stopped by a silver bullet. Your lack of patience and compassion for others will shine through this month as your intolerant nature makes you more enemies with each passing day.You grind your teeth even when you’re awake. Congratulations. Thug.

TAURUS  Apr 21-May 21  
There’s nothing you love more than a steady routine, so this month will find you still plodding through life like a sloth on tranquillisers. You try to give the impression that you’re just easy-going, but as anyone who has had the pleasure of your company will testify, you are so lazy it’s a miracle you’re still breathing without a ventilator. There is one thing though, that (slightly) raises your pulse, and that’s your insane jealousy over other people’s good fortune. So this month will see you seething with resentment and burning with envy if you hear of anybody even finding 20 pence down the back of their sofa. Pathetic.


GEMINI  May 22-June 21
In the World Backstabbing Championships Geminis always win Gold, so you’ll be pleased to know that it’s business as usual for you this month.You also have a special talent for being able to lie as easily (and as often!) as the rest of us blink. Being as shallow and two-faced as you are takes a lot of effort, so keep up the good work. If you ever get found out just thank your lucky stars that you’re much too superficial and selfish to care. On a health note, stay away from people with real problems this month, as your inability to empathise with or care about anyone else may result in you being shoved under the wheels of a bus. Karma.


CANCER  June 22-July 23  
This month you’ll be busy with home and family issues. What most people don’t realise about you is that underneath that thin veneer of caring and nurturing, lies a devious, melodramatic schemer of the highest calibre.Your oversensitivity to even the slightest criticism means you’ll be spending a lot of time curled up on the floor in the “helpless victim” position, drowning in your own tears. December will be full of opportunities for you to indulge in even more crazy moodswings and drive everyone else mad with your needy, self-pitying whining ways. How your delusional rantings haven’t led to you being sectioned under the Mental Health Act is testament to your Machiavellian manipulative skills. Well done.


LEO  July 24-Aug 23  
Your constant craving to be the centre of attention has had the rest of us wondering whether you simply want everyone to like you. So this month you’ll finally be able to show people that you’re actually mentally unstable. There’s nothing you love more than being at the centre of a drama and luckily that’s where your conceit, arrogance and egotistical nature often puts you. You have been blessed with all the charm of a septic wound

VIRGO  Aug 24-Sep 23  
It’s going to be a bumper month for you, as you’ll have loads of opportunities to expand upon your repertoire of obsessive-compulsive behaviours. Being critical is your default setting and this combined with your permanent disapproving frown will endear you to absolutely no-one. Don’t be expecting lots of party invites either, as most of your acquaintances would rather undergo a lumbar puncture than endure even ten seconds of your company. Still, this will give you more time to concentrate on your favourite thing, working up your hypochondria to fever pitch. With you, even a simple head cold can be life-threatening, but not as dangerous as the colleagues who want to staple your flapping tongue to your desk.


LIBRA  Sep 24-Oct 23   
This could be your month to shine – but it probably won’t be. Shining requires energy and that’s where you fall down. The only thing you show any aptitude for is flirting, and even this is overshadowed by your indecisive, shallow, fickle nature. There’s nothing you love more than squandering time and money. If you’re stuck in a career rut always remember that  someone as superficial, feckless and reckless as you would make a fantastic gambler. Spendthrift timewaster.

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