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Perfect Poise

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Jersey, the most southerly of the British Isles, can only be described as a highly sought after place to live, and for those searching  for a cosmopolitan lifestyle in a truly tranquil and unspoilt  location, you’ll certainly agree.

Set within some 32 vergees of its own private land, Valley Farm boasts a beautifully refurbished home tailored to the highest of standards. Exuding grandeur and opulence, this fine establishment offers a blend of stylishly contemporary interiors and traditional architecture – yet despite this stateliness, a somewhat homely vibe.

The exquisite property stands upon an acre of irrigated garden, complete with a generous patio area and an extravagant heated swimming pool. Adjacent to this you’ll find almost 12 acres of agricultural and equine land –the perfect investment for those with a passion for the equestrian lifestyle.

Although the house itself sits just a short distance from some of Jersey’s finest beaches, as well as the hustle and bustle of St Aubin’s quaint cobbled lanes and vibrant Harbour, its peaceful position leads you to believe otherwise. In fact, with its magical views of the surrounding woodland and verdant grasslands, embracing the great outdoors is very much a theme here.

Valley farm benefits from an ideal location, positioned just a short drive from the airport, ten minutes from the spirit of St Helier’s town centre and just a stone’s throw away from a number of the island’s highly reputable schools.

Inside, masses of bright airy space, plush fittings and grand proportions define a series of well arranged rooms, which extend to an impressive 7,468 square feet, all of which has been arranged over a series of three floors. The main entrance, approached from an expansive gravel driveway leads on to a dramatic paved courtyard, which could easily house an impressive 30 vehicles.

This ample property showcases a large reception hallway, which to the left leads on to the original house and to the right, the once barn which has been entirely renovated now featuring beautiful windows and the original vaulted ceilings – seamlessly merging the two buildings together to create one superb family home.

Valley Farm enjoys two personalities, proposing a profusion of living quarters that alter effortlessly with the seasons. The original house comprises a charming drawing room come snug with open fire, wooden floors and double doors that lead on to the formal dining room – an ideal entertainment space perfectly tuned to extravagant Christmas lunches, dinner parties and family get togethers.

Whilst the expansive kitchen – most definitely the heart and soul of Valley Farm –provides an ample breakfast space with easy access to the patio area – come summer, it’s here an abundance of BBQs and al fresco dining opportunities take centre stage.

To the first floor, you’ll find five deluxe double bedrooms, three of which are ensuite – all with magnificent outlooks, bringing a sense of the outdoors in. One of which has been entitled the master guest boasting a show worthy-style bathroom as well as a platform to some of the best views in the house. To the second floor, there are a further two double bedrooms and one bathroom. None of the rooms appear over-decorated, which certainly leaves ample space for a potential buyer’s imagination.

The master bedroom, (one of the five on the first floor) and the undoubted star of Valley Farm, brags ‘his and her’ dressing rooms complete with a beautiful ensuite, finished to a five star standard.

The entire abode benefits from intelligent lighting, as well as a computer controlled tech-savvy sound system. And that’s not all, attached to the property is an excellent self-contained cottage, complete with sitting room, a delightful kitchen, two double bedrooms (one with views over the fields and beyond) and a house bathroom. Furnished to a high standard, this space is the epitome of multi generational living. With planning to create a further one bedroom unit in place, some may see this outer area as a potential business opportunity in order to generate a further income. Whilst others may choose to transform this space into an external gym, expansive wine store or home office.

The outdoor area includes covered parking for four cars, a borehole complete with a specific water treatment facility granting purified water to the entire establishment, and ample security – initiated through 24 hour infrared exterior cameras, positioned to both the front and rear of the property.

Sympathetically restored, yet imbued with a new and distinctively contemporary identity, Valley Farm boasts an impressive family home with an abundance of potential – a magical country house with many rooms, a unique character and a charming appeal.

 

The Secret History of Jersey Vice

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30,000 BC: early man discovers alcohol via the fermentation of blackberries. Spends the next morning discovering both the concept of the hangover and what it feels to be devoured by sabretooth tigers in Gorey village.

200 BC: Jersey evolves a pagan fertility cult centred around the hallucinogenic visions experienced by Ethelred Notley, turnip farmer from St Peter and self-styled “Lord of The Purple Seagulls”. For years it was assumed that Notley experienced his visions via the consumption of magic mushrooms, until scientists arrive at the consensus that “he was a bit of a wrong un who liked shagging and making things up”. His DNA is shared by 80% of people born in the north of the island.

800 AD: Middle Ages. Decadence for most people extends to not dying of the plague and occasionally lighting a candle to go to the toilet at night.

1175 : Pioneering house of ill repute constructed in St Helier, offering 2 for 1 flagons of mead and free entry for saucy wenches b4 11. Resulting syphilis outbreak decimates island population and leads to a permanent ban for minstrels who play lewd ballads.

1465: Jersey’s first underground gambling den is established, at the Scabby Pigge Taverne. Sailors gather to drink rum, lose their meagre earnings and exchange naughty etchings of their favourite cabin boys.

1700s: As Jersey has no foxes, and our aristocrats are too lazy to travel to the continent for big game hunts, the lords of Jersey hunt peasants under cover of moonlight.  This tradition only dies out in the 1930s when Viscount Squiffington-Choames of St Clement shoots and eats a family of 3 on holiday from the Wirral. He is fined eight guineas.

1785: Breda first synthesised from ox urine.

1809: Alphonse Florian D’Ullecourt, dubbed “Maufant’s own Marquis De Sade”,  is arrested after attempting to marry a cart horse.  He is charged with failing to pay the correct tax on the animal’s shoes, and is later electrocuted whilst experimenting with a steam-powered bottom vibrator.

1815: Leading romantic poet and scandalous aristocrat Lord Byron arrives in Jersey following a drunken wager that he will expose his John Thomas to every vicar in Christendom. He writes three poems and seduces the Bailiff’s grandmother before being smuggled to Algiers in a crate of tomatoes.

1838: Following the recent invention of photography, history is made when a family out on a medicinal hike discover an obscene daguerrotype in the bushes at Grouville common. It depicts a lady with her bodice partially unlaced; polite society is scandalised.

1853: Newly returned from a tour of South America, local doctor Horatio Smythe is believed to be Jersey’s first cocaine addict. The dangers of the drug are not yet known, and it is years before Smythe’s habit of prescribing Bolivian marching powder to local children is understood to be a poor remedy for nervous disorders and gout.  Smythe himself was socially excommunicated for becoming overbearing at dinner parties and greatly exaggerating his skill at the harpsichord.

1876: Alexander Graham Bell invents the telephone, which is immediately followed by the first telephone box adverts for the services of ladies of the night.  For eight years, Jersey’s sole telephone box is visited only by prostitutes as there is nobody for anybody else to call.

1921: The Jazz Age reaches St Helier.  The streets echo to the music of Duke Ellington, and all work ceases for an hour at lunch times for people to dance the Charleston, smoke ‘reefer’ and drink gin martinis. This lasts approximately three months, before a mob of enraged squares smashes all the Art Deco windows, burns a pile of spats and drives all jazz musicians to swinging Alderney, daddy-o.

1936: Zeppelin mooring station established at Sorel point.

1944: “Sexy Gestapo officer” voted the most popular halloween party costume for the fourth year running.

1986: In a doomed attempt to reverse the ailing fortunes of the Island’s tourism industry, part of Fort Regent is converted to an adults-only venue that boasts “blue” comedians, live darts and overweight strippers from Hull.  The site is currently mothballed, but as the kegs of Mary Ann Bitter have an expiry date of 2046 it has been proposed for redevelopment if a packet of Rothmans ever goes back below four pounds.

1988: Police intelligence records an inexplicable rise in house parties, bunker parties and people found dancing around the cassette aisle of Woolworths at 9am on Saturday morning.  Recommendation is to not investigate further, as undercover officers report that “everybody here is well sound” and “The Shamen are buzzing”. King size blue Rizla is offered at countryside garages for the first time.

1989: Wall Street-style banking excess reaches St Helier, leading to much shouting and a dramatic inflation of the value of loud ties, hair gel and dwarf butlers with cocaine mirrors on their heads.  Huey Lewis and The News briefly consider relocating to Aquila Road.

2009:  A burlesque fetish Club opens in St John’s Village, but closes months later when it is realised that there are too few art students willing either to do a tassle dance onstage or sit in the audience trying to look like a stage magician from 1930s Paris.  All concerned go back to improvised comedy and watching pornography on the internet for free.

2011: A vicious bare knuckle boxing society is discovered operating out of Trinity Parish Hall. Farm labourers are paid in pound notes to strip naked and beat each other unconscious before a howling crowd rejoicing in brute animal bloodlust. Local pensioners stage a protest when concerned officials attempt to replace the illicit gladiators with indoor bowls and cribbage.

The Decadent Christmas Shopper’s Guide

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What do you get the person who has everything? If you live in jersey and are reading this in december, the answer will need to include mega-premium next day delivery and a prayer to the fickle god of gst imports.

Needless to say, try and buy it locally first.  If you don’t want to be doing next year’s christmas shopping in a high street that only has bookies and coffee shops you are obliged to splurge inside the island.  Since hmv shuffled off this mortal coil this might be impractical if you want to buy nan the human centipede box set without jogging up queen’s road in your lunch hour, but at least the charity shops can be relied on to stock john grisham novels and steven seagal dvds at very competitive prices.

Even if we did have a healthier high street, presents have always been a challenge in jersey because we are an island of compulsive spenders.  The money tied up in our store card accounts, furniture loans and car repayments outstrips the greek national debt, so your main challenge in treating somebody is getting there before they manically treat themselves after one too many espressos.  Like inspector gadget i intend to stay one step ahead of my loved ones at all times, so gathered the following tips from candace massengil, vip personal shopper and executive concierge at dubai’s exclusive shif’ti shif’ti private banking service.

What to get … precious little youngsters
It goes without saying that your child will be a social pariah if they don’t return to the playground in january with at least a thousand dead prostitutes to their name in grand theft auto v, the latest blockbuster smash from the people who brought you the video game hits syrian war criminal, downtown strangler 3 and the sims: basement hostage edition.  I assume you’ve already got them ps4s and xbox ones, so if you want to make the other parents jealous, your youngest child will be the talk of the pta with their real life, genetically-engineered teacup peppa piglet.  These loyal, surprisingly aggressive mutants are available from a “doctor” in bangkok who won’t tell you his postal address. They are tiny, adorable, and can be used to grow a replacement pancreas or about three very expensive hot dogs.

What to get … hard to please tweens
Older boys will be thrilled with the bugatti cameron, a carbon-fibre road scooter with a £300,000 price tag and wheels made from crushed up iphone 5s taken from poorer children’s christmas stockings.  Each scooter comes with unlimited legal cover for you to bully anybody who scratches the paintwork when your child runs them over.  Girls who’ve outgrown their barbie styling heads will fall head over heels in love with the lil’ miss percoset yummy mummy beauty therapy centre, which comes with scalpels, botulinum toxin and a licence to practice issued by a university in ukraine that you can’t locate on the internet.  When (and if) mummy wakes up, she’ll be as beautiful as the day daddy first told hr to hire her over a better-qualified older candidate!

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What to get … your university flyaway
Time away from the island in your early 20s is the perfect opportunity to spread your wings, travel the world and earnestly pretend that your parents don’t own a granite farmhouse with its own stables and uniformed maids.  Why not engage the services of instant karma life makeover, who will guarantee that your child arrives in gatwick with a brand new identity.  Perhaps the ‘krishna juggler’ – battered acoustic guitar, compendium of anecdotes about indian railways and clip on dreadlocks with bits of coloured glass in them?  Maybe your offspring is more the ‘pete docherty brown sugar’ and will bloom into a grave-like pallor with mockney elocution lessons and a flat in camden shared with emaciated supermodels and a pile of greasy trilbies.  Don’t worry tarquin, your secrets (and trust fund) are safe with us!

What to get … the executive bossman
Only the best will do for the workaholic corporate overseer of your home, and you’ll need to find something he hasn’t already invested in as a vehicle to avoid the tax on some ethically questionable stock options.  We recommend the porsche cayenne shopping trolley: modelled on the 6-litre scourge of small roads everywhere, this gleaming chrome beast comes with twin bluetooth headsets and has the ability to block an entire aisle in marks & spencer.  It has super powerful infra-red sensors that positively encourage you to crush a cyclist in the car park.

If dad can’t go to the supermarket in case he gets kidnapped by russian gas officials, you could also get him a yacht with a smaller yacht with a boat inside, a moon-rock nanofibre squash racquet or some aftershave made from the tears of an extinct rhino.

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What to get … work secret santa
At this time of year hr will be sending out email reminders not to buy secret santa gifts at the “erotic gift shop”, which can make it tough to strike the right balance of tawdry, annoying and useless, that characterises the secret santa ritual.  We say avoid a disciplinary hearing and get them something work-related, which in jersey means a home document management system, a massive lawyer leather briefcase or an executive toy to count down the billable hours whilst your office junior does some photocopying.  Why not pick up a copy of guess who?: Know your client edition, in which the childhood classic is spiced up with a heavy dose of regulatory compliance.  “Is he a disgraced conservative mp? No. The frontman for some congolese diamond merchants? No. Fleeing siberia with a snowmobile full of roubles and faberge eggs? You guessed it!”

What to get … the older generation
Christmas gets harder every year for jersey’s retired generation, frustrated by the inexplicable good timing that lead them to purchase property in the 70s, earning both a gigantic wodge of cash and the right to sermonise about how today’s young people need to work harder. That’s right granddad, we’ll work harder to build a time machine, travel back to a post-war economic boom and stop your generation from greasing the housing ladder with your poor planning decisions and buy-to-let property bubble.  Thanks for not doing anything about climate change whilst you had the chance, i hope you enjoy being in a nursing home built on an old emeraude ferry and staffed by terminators.

As our retired parents appear to spend most of their time posting bitter comments on newspaper websites or playing golf, i suggest sneaking into their bedrooms at night and hooking them up to a hyper-realistic virtual reality simulation from total brainwash incorporated.  Unaware that reality is an illusion (is reality), they must aim to get a hole in one whilst avoiding the music of skrillex, “political correctness” and miley cyrus’s gyrating buttocks.  The only way to make these modern horrors disappear and return to a reality spent watching the grand prix in salmon chinos is to defeat a boss (high blood pressure), who triggers an affidavit signing over your entire property portfolio to your children.  Merry christmas everybody!

Sportsperson Of The Month: Will Golder

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Name: Will Golder

Age: 25

Sport: GB Bobsleigh

What do you do: I am a full time athlete with GBR Bobsleigh. I am the driver of the 2man and 4man sleds. I push on the front handle and jump in first to get hold of the steering to drive the sled down the track. It’s my job to drive the sled down as fast as possible at speeds of around 145kmph and hitting 5Gs.

School attended: St Martins Primary and Victoria College secondary.

Favourite ice cream flavour: Mint Choc Chip with a flake.

Favourite Animal: I would love an Alaskan husky but being away all the time it just wouldn’t be practical. Gorillas are pretty cool too.

Favourite food: Big sunday roast with all the trimmings and lots of gravy.

What would you wear to a fancy dress party? I’ve been known to go dressed as anything from a tube of Refreshers sweets, to a sheep. It doesn’t happen so much these days when training full time but I think a transformer would be pretty funny.

Favourite Bob Sleighing expression? Erm, there isn’t really one, apart from ‘I’m cold’ or ‘why is it snowing?’. This is because it slows down the track!

Favourite song?  With so many different situations I have a few influential songs. I have a habit of listening to the Chariots of Fire theme song when I get to a track on race day. It gives me goose bumps and massively focusses my mind when walking up the track.  I also find myself listening to Numb and Encore by Jay/Linkin Park to get me fired up before racing.

When did you start Bob Sleighing? I was first selected for GB in my first year at Uni in 2008. I first tried Bobsleigh in my final year at Victoria College when Sir Andrew Ridgway asked if I would like to join the recently formed Jersey Bobsleigh Club.

What is your worst Bob Sleighing accident?  Crashing a 4man at 135kmph and being dragged to the finish line upside down at that speed.

Where do you think is the best place to Bob Sleigh in the world? St Moritz in Switzerland is a beautiful place but so is Calgary and Salt Lake City. The new track for the Olympics in Sochi, Russia, is also meant to be spectacular.

Where and when was your favourite Bob Sleighing moment? Winning Gold at the British Champs in the 2011/12 season and also gaining my best international result of 4th in Park City, Utah last year.

How can people get into Bob Sleighing in Jersey?  The Jersey Bobsleigh Club is always looking for new members who have an interest in the sport. Anyone who would like to know more about getting involved in Jersey please feel free to email me at william@bobteamgolder.com and I will respond and forward on your emails to the Jersey club.

What competition have you taken part in most recently? I am currently trying to gain enough points for qualification to the Sochi Olympic Games 2014. I have been in Calgary, Canada and am now in Park City Utah. I had a tricky start with a crash in the 4man race but this week has been very positive and I finished 18th yesterday in very tricky blizzard conditions. I am training all week here and so hoping to get into the top 10 in the next few races.

Dream Destination

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You’re an animal lover and worked in the veterinary environment for many years – has this influenced your dream destination, fiona?
Definitely.  I’ve always dreamt that for my 50th birthday, i’d put on a backpack and go off on a safari in kenya, staying in one of the tree houses.

Alone?
If i thought i could get away with it, yes! But my kids would enjoy it too – they’ve inherited my love for all creatures, great and small.

So, a family safari then?
Yes – but my boys would enjoy it each for different reasons. Logan (14) wants to be a vet, and kyle (15) would just love the safari experience. And ben (24) is incredibly artistic; his pencil drawings of animals are so realistic people think they’re photos. He just graduated from university in graphic illustration and photography.

You’d mentioned you’d like to stay in a tree house? Why?
Actually, i’m petrified of heights but as long as i didn’t feel faint while looking over the edge and land in a lion’s mouth (!), I think there’d be some really great views of the animals in the distance as well as from up close up. The monkeys often climb up into the tree houses and i’d love to see that … they’re such funny creatures to watch.

What time of year would you like to go?
For me, the best time would be when the weather’s warm and dry but not too hot, so april or may.  But i’d probably want to stay for a while – after all it is my dream and i’d want to be able to take it all in. But i’m petrified of flying too…

Two great fears to overcome no less! You’re really sure about this?
Oh, yes! I just get so excited by the idea of seeing those big game animals roaming around freely rather than caged in captivity. And anyone who knows me knows that my greatest passion is to help animals – to help prevent suffering and to give them the respect and freedom they all deserve.
I’m a keen supporter of wspa (world society for the protection of animals) and also born free. The world can be a cruel place when it comes to animals. Nature can be cruel too, of course, and i’d hate to witness a “kill”. But there’s nothing more rewarding than helping animals from suffering in any way possible. The love they give you back is truly unconditional.

Are there any animals you’d particularly like to see?
As much as i’d like to see the “big five” (lion, elephant,  buffalo, leopard and rhinoceros), it’s the zebras i’m really looking forward to seeing. I’m desperate to see one in the wild! I love them and the noise they make! They’re incredibly beautiful and intriguing to watch.  My house is full of zebra pictures and ornaments. Ben has actually promised me a drawing … maybe this christmas?!

And you’re fond of felines too … from big cats to domestic ones …
My mum was fond of cats too. It was always our dream to set up an indoor cattery, but she passed away four years ago. Cozy cats opened in july and i get loads of referrals from vets and other catteries. My boys come in and help with playtime twice a day to stimulate the cats and to give them loads of cuddles and kisses. It’s funny to watch the cats interacting with the sounds and pictures on the feline dvd and i get lots of satisfaction from knowing the cats are all happy and cosy.
My partner, scott, thinks i spend more time with the cats than i do with him! But i love the peace and quiet in here – and the cats can’t answer you back!

Do you know the way to Les Portes du Soleil?

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bgpds_2013Les Portes du Soleil is one of the largest ski areas in the world with 650 kms of pistes and 197 ski lifts. It is located in the Alps, between Mont Blanc in France and Lake Geneva in Switzerland, just 1 hour from Geneva International Airport, which is serviced by Blue Islands direct flights from Jersey on Mondays, Wednesdays, Fridays and Sundays during the winter.

This region includes the eight French ski resorts of Abondance, Avoriaz, Châtel, La Chapelle d’Abondance, Les Gets, Montriond, Morzine and Saint-Jean-d’Aulps. There are also five Swiss resorts: Champéry, Morgins, Val d’Illiez, Les Crosets and Champoussin.

Well-linked by road and slopes, some of the resorts are picturesque towns with pretty chalets, while some have more modern buildings. In the region you will also find ten snow parks and 90 on-slope restaurants.

The Portes du Soleil ski area enjoys exceptionally good snowfall from mid-November to the end of April, with an average of 8m of powder every year. A main attraction is a circular route through the linked resorts straddling the French-Swiss border which can be done in either direction and gives a great sensation of travel.

From the 26th to the 30th  March the area hosts the fourth Rock the Pistes music festival which has live music concerts throughout the Portes du Soleil’s slopes, “Concerts staged in the wildest settings at the heart of the ski area… The best International and French pop-rock artists… A music festival like no other in Europe, all you need to see the gigs is your lift pass!”

Avoriaz is a purpose- built car-free resort , and as such,is probably the best designed ,as the resort is sunny whilst most of the local slopes are shady. It is perched on a shelf above a cliff with long –established Morzine down in the valley below. The whole resort is ski-in-ski out, and your luggage is taken to the hotels by horse drawn sleigh or shuttle from the underground car parks or the new Prodains gondola from Morzine.

“From the 26 to 30 March the area hosts the fourth Rock the Pistes music festival – Concerts staged in the wildest settings at the heart of the ski area… The best International and French pop-rock artists… A music festival like no other in Europe, all you need to see the gigs is your liftpass!”

 There is an outdoor family skating rink right in the resort centre and the new Aquariaz water park which has been designed as an aquatic paradise in the mountains featuring lush vegetation and rocks: a river with a variable gentle current, a slidewinder (a kind of aquatic halfpipe), a water playhouse, a large pool with climbing walls, and the must-try: an open-air spa heated to 34 degrees!

Morzine is a busy Alpine town with a lively spirit. Traditional wooden chalets with slate roofs and stone foundations ensure that the village, which runs along both sides of a river gorge, retains is character and Savoyard charm, and is as popular in summer as in winter. It is one of the livelier French resorts for apres-ski, and several places around the base area get busy as the slopes empty.

The bulk of the Portes du soleil linked area is reached via Avoriaz, however the local area which is shared with Les Gets is a fair size and also has some wooded slopes giving plenty of tree-lined runs, which is a good place to be in a snowstorm. For Snowboarders the slopes are great for all abilities and have very few draglifts, the more adventurous should hire a guide to explore off-piste.

Les Gets is situated on the col between Samoëns and Morzine, at the western edge of the Portes du Soleil ski area it is a small traditional, village, with cosy chalet-style restaurants and accommodation which have a very French feel. The Centre of the village is fairly pedestrian-friendly and a popular outdoor ice rink adds to its charm.

In Les Gets, the Ranfolly area is a wide bowl with a variety of runs, from the long and fast to the odd tricky black! The runs down to La Turche are definitely worth skiing and the new six man express chair at the bottom gives you a speedy return. When snow conditions are good, you can’t beat getting over to Mont Chery . The skiing is great and for some reason not at all crowded – you never seem to queue for lifts! For the more advanced don’t miss out Chamossiere and Pointe de Nyon. Chamossiere has some of the best bump skiing in the Portes du Soleil!

JerseySki.com now offer packages to the Portes du Soleil. In Morzine we have a choice of self catered apartments, half board hotels, and catered chalets with a passion for food. In Les Gets a hotel which offers bed and breakfast or half board options, and in Avoriaz we can offer the all-inclusive Club Med, with lift passes and ski lessons for all standards included!

From the 13-15 December Avoriaz kicks off the season with the Fête de la Glisse and the Rock On Snowboard Tour. Three days of snowsports, concerts and events to start off the season with a bang and try out the very latest new ski and snowboard equipment.  I will be there to test out this season’s new skis and report back, so watch this space!

To find out more about ski and snowboard adventures from Jersey, and even tailor made options, give Geoff a call on:      07797 738 180

Alex Farnham’s Diary of a Young Professional

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My flat smells of cat poo. Not just a hint of it either… I’m sad to say it’s fully permeated with the pungent pong of feline faecal matter. I thought kittens were supposed to be cute and dainty and little. How can they produce such large amounts of waste in one sitting? 

Honestly, I’m not even mad – mainly just impressed. You know when fishermen catch massive fish and get a photo standing next to it to boast about the size and weight? That’s what I feel like doing every time I clean out the litter tray. I don’t do that though, because that’s borderline psychotic. The reason I’m even mentioning it is that one of the many things I’ve done in the last month is get kittens, two of them no less! They’ve settled in nicely, they’re adorable, and my hands are covered in scratches.

My other big news is that I got a job! Like, an actual, proper, real job! The temp role I was in lasted two weeks… it was meant to be three, but I got offered a permanent position somewhere else and they wanted me to start ASAP – which I was, and still am, very excited about. I’m on the editorial team in this new place and I’m even doing a bit of writing and amateur reporting. I’m not a journalist, but what’s cool is that they’ve got me jet setting all over the place to meet people and go to events and all that jazz. Already, in the space of one month I’ve been to London twice, Chichester and even ventured as far north as Birmingham! Maybe jet setting is a bit strong… Let’s just call it train trundling.

I do enjoy a bit of train trundling, and I’m a fairly frequent rail-user. One might even say I’m a train enthusiast… actually, one had better not… they don’t call me ‘Cool-Guy Farnham’ for nothing – I’ve got a reputation to maintain. Anyway, in the first few weeks of my new job I’ve been doing it even more than usual. These trips, it seems, are going to be an on-going occurrence, which is great because the more I do it, the more I get to witness strange happenings and overhear surreal conversations. Off the top of my head, the two occasions that stand out are the old man explaining to the young boy why he wasn’t allowed to go back in time. (He actually said ‘you’re not allowed to’, rather than ‘it’s not physically possible’.) It was beautiful and poetic and I spent the whole journey eavesdropping into their conversation, which developed into the young boy asking if the speed of light was quicker than the speed of putting food in your mouth and then tasting it. What a little weirdo. The other odd incident that springs to mind is when I saw a woman get her phone out of her bag and snap a sneaky pic of the old man sitting next to me. The worst part was that she saw me see her doing it! We shared eye contact for long enough – at least a second – but she didn’t acknowledged the awkwardness of the whole thing! We just had to silently agree to never speak of her strange moment of candid photography and pretend it hadn’t even happened.  Unfortunately I doubt I’ll ever see this woman again, which makes me sad because I really want to know why she was taking a photo of an old man.

“It was beautiful and poetic and I spent the whole journey eavesdropping into their conversation, which developed into the young boy asking if the speed of light was quicker than the speed of putting food in your mouth and then tasting it.”

 I wasn’t happy with just a temp job, and I knew I never would be – hence why I was immediately looking for more substantial work straight away. The place was great and the people were lovely, but I wanted something else, something like this – where I can travel round the country and judge people on trains for wanting to know about time travel, or indulging in their old man fetishes, apparently. I’m extremely lucky I found something so perfect so quickly.

I remember saying in my last Diary of a Young Professional that I was missing Bath and university and all that sad stuff that nobody else cares about. I still do miss all of that, but now I’m spending more time looking ahead instead of behind me.

It’s refreshing, looking forward to waking up in the morning, rather than wishing it was the night before. Last time we were talking about the meaning of the phrase ‘young professional’, and I couldn’t put my finger on it. I suppose (even though I still don’t know what it means) I feel closer to knowing than I did last month, which is a big weight off my mind because I was starting to get worried about running out of things to talk about. I can feel the beginnings of an optimistic itch, and I think this feature may well start to reveal itself to be more focussed and meaningful, developing along with my new and exciting career.

With any luck, maybe soon I won’t have to write about the size and smell of my cat’s poo. Is this too ambitious? Maybe. A man can dream though, can’t he?

Dark does matter

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When the laws of nature appear to be almost as abstract and as illogical as the idea of an omnipotent, omnipresent being creating the universe in 6 days and science fiction seems like a sunday school picnic you realise we’ve come an awful long way in understanding how stuff works. Either that or somewhere along the road to enlightenment we’ve taken a wrong turn or two – which is highly likely, we don’t yet know and quite possibly never will.

As  Arthur C Clarke put it, ‘Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic’ or put another way, any ideas sufficiently advanced may look like God. We live in very interesting times.

Most of us, I suspect, go about thinking that man has it pretty much sussed, that we understand nearly everything, that science is nearing something of a zenith and it won’t be long before we know it all. It may sound perverse but I find it somewhat comforting that time and again, just as we make some major breakthroughs in our understanding of the way the universe works, nature turns out to be a whole lot weirder than any science fiction writer could have ever suspected. That’s exciting don’t you think?

Everything you’ve ever learned or thought you knew about what ‘stuff’ is, what it’s made of, what the universe is made of, is very possibly wrong. At school we’re taught that the basic unit of matter is the atom, that everything we see around us is made up of atoms and yet it would seem that the mass we can actually detect or interact with only represents a paltry 4% of the mass the universe appears to contain! How is this so, how do we know this?

Only since 1920 have we known that there exist other galaxies apart from our own Milky Way and when Edwin Hubble realised that some smudges of light weren’t gas clouds as previously suspected, but actually other galaxies each containing billions of suns, astronomers set about measuring them and trying to work out how far away they were, how fast they were moving and other vital statistics. Shortly after that scientists noticed things weren’t as they seemed.

Newton discovered then Einstein refined, formulae involving gravity, mass and space which described the motion of bodies, giving us an accurate way to predict the orbits of planets around suns and how anything with mass is affected by anything else with mass. With these powerful tools astronomers observed the motion of stars orbiting the center of galaxies and noticed behaviour that didn’t quite fit. According to these laws of motion the stars on the outer most of a galaxy should be moving slower than those closer to the center, but observations contradict this. Astronomers were startled to find that actually the speed of all stars orbiting a galactic center was pretty much constant. Furthermore, clusters of galaxies orbiting around each other also flouted these laws, suggesting there was much more mass within these clusters than we could see – 10 times more! What was causing it? The answer, for now at least, is so called ‘Dark Matter’. This stuff, if it exists, (and these theories suggest we scrap our preconceived ideas of what  to ‘exist’ actually means) has lots of mass but doesn’t interact with light, it doesn’t reflect light, it doesn’t absorb light, it doesn’t interact with anything, it passes straight through ‘normal’ matter and as yet, has not been detected directly. All we can see are the ghostly affects of its mass on other bodies. Its very much there in one sense but in another its not there at all.

One of Einsteins greatest leaps of original thought was to realise that gravity is the effect of mass on space time, that is to say, anything with mass puts a dent in space time (space time is a hard to imagine concept whereby space and time are inextricably linked – you can’t have one without the other so the two are intertwined creating a kind of ‘fabric’ – its useful to imagine a rubber sheet, any weight such as a snooker ball place on the sheet will deflect any object rolling across that sheet) and anything passing by will feel the effect of that ‘dent’. Gravity even effects light and enough of it will bend light much like a lens does. This ‘lensing‘ effect can be directly observed but again the effect seen and tested in many different areas of the cosmos is way more than expected – ten times more. Theres not enough room here to go into how we know this but this is what Google’s for right?

It is now believed that all galaxies are surrounded by a sphere of Dark Matter which causes this exaggerated lensing effect and helps to hold the myriad of stars in place, affecting a constant procession around the galactic centre. How the physics of Dark Matter exactly work is as yet unknown, the science is brand spanking new. According to observations though, the total mass of the universe is 4% ‘normal’ matter, 27% Dark Matter – so what about the remaining 70%? Well this is stranger and more fantastical still.

Everything you’ve ever learned or thought you knew about what ‘stuff’ is, what it’s made of, what the universe is made of, is very possibly wrong.

Galaxies and clusters of galaxies are not spread evenly throughout the universe. If you’ve attended my lecture on Chaos Theory you may remember a poignant fact – that nature doesn’t favour homogeneity. That is to say, the world around us is all patterns and lumps and clumps. Almost nothing is completely flat and plain. The same is true at ALL scales, even cosmological and if one maps the distribution of ‘normal’ matter in the known universe a wondrous network resembling a sponge or loofa is clear to see. Dark Energy is thought to be the culprit for this structure at the cosmological scale and the remaining 70% of the mass of the universe. Dark Energy acts in opposition to gravity – pushing everything apart. Absolutely nothing is yet known about Dark Energy but perhaps it can be imagined as like the energy of a vacuum? Gravity has a pull on objects proportional to the distance  between them but weirdly, Dark Energy does the opposite – the more distance between massive objects such as galaxies the greater the effect, meaning that the universe is expanding at an ever greater speed in all directions. Imagine drawing spots on a balloon and then inflating it, every spot is moving away from every other spot, there is no centre, the space in between the dots just gets larger.

To say the universe is very large is absurdly understating it, however I’m running out of space here and must wrap it up. For me the fascinating thing about science and the mission to understand the world around us is that ‘fact’ is a transient, illusory thing, ever changing and open to great leaps of imagining, far weirder than any sci-fi novel and far more exciting and liberating than dogma. Keep your minds open people, reality is not as it seems!

 

Something to Mull over…

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Be it mulled wine or mulled cider…coquito, Greyano or Ponche Navideno, these festive tipples are certain to conger up a festive glow. Check out our latest compilation of some of the more interesting boozy holiday beverages from around the globe.

ENGLAND
Eggnog…Baileys…Sherry…in fact anything that resembles creamy booze and it’s the subject of festive tipples here and in the UK. You’ll even find a number of the local coffee shops stocking up on eggnog lattes – the only time of year when thick cream, pure sugar and raw egg becomes a desirable drink!

NORWAY & GERMANY
There are numerous mouth-puckering variations of this spice-loaded, warmed, sugared wine– all served throughout Europe. From Nordic Glogg – reminiscent of cinnamon, cardamom, cloves, bitter sweet orange, ginger and a generous helping of aquavit -– to German Gluhwein – a concoction of lemon, ginger, cloves, cinnamon sticks and cardamom – every glass sits perfectly comfortably with the cold dark nights and a roaring fire.

BULGARIA & POLAND
Bulgaria’s mulled speciality comes in the shape of Greyano Vino – a warmed mixture of honey, peppercorns, apple and citrus. The Polish opt for a more traditional variant – Grzane or Grzane Piwo – the latter being more of a mulled beer. When in hand remember to utter the words ‘Na zdrowie’ (to your health!)

UNITED STATES OF AMERICA
Wassail, although a mulled British cider, is extremely popular across the pond. Just like it says on the tin, all you need is a bottle of your favourite cider and a pan. Unlike wine, with its ability to turn your lips a rather mesmerising shade of purple, this apple-based variant is slightly sweeter and is less likely to stain your clothes.

MEXICO
Although the name ‘Ponche Navideno’ may sound similar to sweet ponches, this version is created with sugar cane, apples or pears, raisons, prunes, citrus and tejocotes (an aboriginal fruit grown by the Aztecs). Add brandy, tequila or rum (optional) and heat. At Christmas time, it’s not uncommon to spot ponche vendors on every street corner, intent on dispensing cupfuls of good cheer.
Another popular Mexican beverage, again served around Christmas time, is Champurrado. This chocolaty delight consists of warmed cornmeal thinned to a pourable consistency with a hit of chocolate spice.

PERU & CHILE
Cola de Mono, in other words, a potent grape brandy combined with wine and nicknamed ‘Christmastime’, which in actual fact means a glass of Monkey’s Tail. Combine vanilla beans, cloves, coffee, milk and aquardiente (forget about the name) and ‘Bottom’s Up!’

JAMAICA
Locally known as Sorel, and in Australia ‘Rosella’, Sorrel Punch is a Jamaican Christmas delicacy. Made from the petals of the hibiscus flower, this delicate, fruity cocktail is the perfect festive beverage. The recipe varies however around the globe, but if you’re intent on re-creating a Jamaican Christmas at home, combine freshly smashed ginger with lime juice, dark rum and dried hibiscus buds.

There are many good reasons to sip on big, bold red mulled wines during the winter months – not only do they warm you to the bone, the spiced notes of Sorrel Punch, Cola de Mono and warm cider simply scream Christmas time!