Believe it or not, this documentary is in English. The linguistic prowess of the presenter befit the sense and reason of the standpoint. Even the initial voiceover, voiced by one of the twins ‘off of’ Lock Stock and Two Smokin’ Barrels, is testament to the validity and relevance of the piece. It’s great that Bill flies around the world fighting for the rights of abused children. When he gets lost on graphically describing gnomes using profanity he kind of loses us. Talk about speculation. The bias and irrelevant assertions that Bill and his ‘covert’ crew present are just the beginning.

‘The Island is broke up into what’s called ‘states’ and is not owned by the UK’.

As Bill, Lilly and Darren set out on their covert quest to ‘fanny the establishmentarians’, we can’t help but think that Bill’s anger and bias are driving his outlook. This is truly awful filmmaking. Starting with an ill informed monologue, Bill then proceeds to get his viewer onside by watching him from his in-car camera, with voiceover by Lock Stock, laying flowers outside the Haut de la Garenne building to set the tone for the film. His assertions that residents of HDLG may have been taken to St Saviours Hospital are reasonable. The claim that they may have been ‘drugged or whatever’ is speculative for sure. Finding a wooden skeleton with an apple around his neck AT A MENTAL INSTITUTION! (Bill’s words, not mine) seems to cause Bill massive concern. Mental. Imagine, a wooden carving, that looks like a skull (the sort you get sold on the beach in beach resorts) wearing an APPLE! Bugger me geeez, innit?!

He them proceeds to centre some virulent abuse at the owner of some comedy garden decoration. His terminology and use of aggressive sexual swearwords to describe his incomprehension of the iconography represented by a cherub angel presumably intended to be playing some form of instrument (the sort that they sell at garden centres), bird and chimp on a tree is priceless. ‘Iss fackin’ witchcraft innit?’ Bill sees this as a ‘little boy crouching down sucking a fucking cock’ and another ‘pointin’ is aaarrrsss’. Well. Some people can see Jesus in their toast too. Described as ‘so fuckin’ scary and evil’ Bill feels like ‘jumpin’ aat the fuckin’ winda’. Sure, it’s a comedy cherub. Sure, it is a mile from the scene of a child abuse enquiry. But talk about grasping…!

During a voxpop session Bill’s sidekick, an eloquent self described ‘film student maker’ , manages to interview a real representative audience about the historic child abuse enquiry. To kick off we meet three old Portuguese men who don’t speak English. But why take that as a null response to a survey when you can overlay text onto the film that pretty much describes every Portuguese person as a paedophile? I mean, why not. I’m sure the men in question were simultaneously imagining when these far from xenophobic cockney filmmakers were going to finish their pie and mash and go up the apples and pears for a tommy tank at any moment. Or maybe they were thinking ‘what the hell are you talking about?’ Fortunately he meets another respondent that provides a diamond quote ‘This whole island is corrupt’. Bill was probably rubbing his legs in the edit waiting to include that diamond. When meeting visiting Guernseyfolk who express that such allegations apply everywhere the text overlay is clear to point out that allegations of child abuse have been made in Guernsey. Discredit, discredit! When a pensioner doesn’t want to be interviewed our crack team make a ‘quick escape’ from St Helier. The pensioner, on having a camera thrust in his face, clearly told a policeman that he was being harassed by the modern day Paxman. But wait, now there IS paxman. A bit of newsnight. A bit of Frank Walker. Come back Bill…

Now Bill’s found some schoolkids. He’s not going to patronise them, and then does, guiding answers and then adding his own opinion as the over riding summation that abused kids are ‘dragged from the working classes’. He wanders around pretty much getting responses he’s looking for from coercing children. Go figure.

‘This is Bill Maloney from Pie and Mash films talking to the Fucking World’.
A master of screen AND language.

On walking past the Prince of Wales pub we get a rant directed at the man himself; “See this your majesty, this is where you come, dontcha?” The Pussycat Dolls have nothing on Bill. He goes on; ” avoid your taxes, you got all your money out here, dontcha”.  He avoids the customary slutdrop and instead claims that the establishment are after him. Presumably for the simultaneous crimes of accusing the Royal family of tax evasion and badly impersonating Nicole Scherzinger. He goes on to accuse the queen of tax evasion and asserts that masons sacrifice children in Jersey. The three guys that are Bill’s sounding board for his own opinions at that moment are quick to point out that Bill might be a little far off the sane reservation and match him in a language he understands with as exasperated ‘Er, what are you talking about, where has that come from?’. Poor Bill, he just blunders on, straying off into a realm that accuses Frank Walker of perpetuating Nazi war crimes, winding himself up like a dog chasing a yoghurt container around the floor trying to reach the bottom bit. Dark forces working toward sacrificial….er…. and he runs out of words…

Following an unfilmed section where a couple of pensioners talk fannies and a lack of police cars, Bill finds ‘The Devil’ at Devil’s Hole. Massive surprise there.

Our poor Bill is devastated, “I was in the pub, having a piss and a Red Bull with Darren and Lilly’s come running…this is very fucking scary”. Thankfully Bill clearly makes his position as a ‘friend of Jesus Christ’ clear and makes an exit. Some stock video of the masons follows. Don’t get me wrong, I can understand that people think the Masons are shady. Bill seems hellbent on claiming that because they’re in the realms of oddness that they sacrifice and abuse children. Poor masons. I’m sure they’re not all like that…

Bill is keen to stress his working class roots and points out that because of Jersey’s ‘opulence’ that it’s suspect that children were allowed at Haut de la Garenne. Indeed, Bills sister came here on a sailing trip. A working class sailing trip, obvs. Sea cadets were ripe fodder for the rich, opulent abusive satanic masons apparently. It’s the navy! it’s all the navy! No, wait, it’s the person with the gnomes. They’ve changed the hats… nonses! child abusers! rousing classical music is now the backdrop for Bill’s rant about the gnomes. He’s seen the perpetrator. He was going to approach him, he was going to knock him out, and could because he’s got ‘boxing skills’.

No dodgy edits here, this is Pie and Mash films! To hell with that Attenborough nonsense. The way Bill guides us through his driving route is engaging, captivating almost. 30 miles an hour. Still 30 miles an hour. It’s a knife edge. LIl’s camera mastery gets it all in one take. Amazing.

Now we have news clips. Er…OK, so the skull parts may be 100s of years old. It’s a lot of speculation. Bill’s going ‘mental’. He’s out of the car, directing his attention toward us again. It’s the gnomes. Those bleedin’  gnomes. They appear on the B12. If you’re from Jersey you’ve probably got no idea where that is unless you still have a Perry’s guide. The ‘opulences on the houses on that road are incredible’ so it’s little wonder they’ve splashed out on a mish mash of garden decorations.

To end on the right note, Pie and Mash films go to Le Marrais and somehow manage to align the fact that no one is ‘playing out’ (they do that up north) means that it’s someway implied as relevant to the child abuse enquiry of activity 40 years before. In his summation, Bill reassures us that he was NOT abused in care. Irish immigrant parents, prostitute mother. Bill has had a chequered upbringing and someone this experience has meant he is closer to an understanding of the intricacies of Jersey’s Haut de la Garenne case, the garden gnome ‘shrine to witchcraft’ and also the subtleties of Jersey’s political governance. He’d like the gnomes wearing hats removed and the devil taken away from Devil’s hole. It’s going to require some redrawing of maps….

Bill admits that be MAY have sensationalised some of the content but there were voices and screams in his head that reminded him of his youth. Despite baiting answers from most of his respondents, Bill rightly identifies that Jersey is a place there there is gossip. A ‘crazy, crazy, crazy place’. Yep. For crazy filmmaking you crazy man. Boxing Skills. Priceless.