C.I. Travel Group has once again chosen Blue Islands to operate its summer 2016 charter flights from Cambridge and Dundee to Jersey and Guernsey. Responding to demand, 2016 will see a 133% increase in capacity on the Cambridge route as C. I. Travel Group has introduced a new Tuesday service between Cambridge and Jersey to complement the Saturday service which will now be operated by a larger aircraft. Further to the additional capacity, visitors to Guernsey will enjoy seamless onward connections with Blue Islands. These flights aren’t for us in the Islands but should mean more visitors and customers for local businesses!

Robert Mackenzie, C.I. Travel Group’s Managing Director said, “We are very pleased to announce this significant increase in capacity from Cambridge to Jersey, as well as the introduction of an onward connection to Guernsey. For five years we have chosen Blue Islands to operate our Dundee and Cambridge charter operations and this is testament to the service which they continue to deliver to both ourselves and our clients.”

Rob Veron, Blue Islands’ Managing Director added, “We are delighted to once again be selected by C.I. Travel Group as its preferred airline partner for the Cambridge and Dundee routes for the 5th consecutive year. With our locally based ATR fleet we are able to meet the growing needs of our customers. The increase in capacity is great news for tourism in our islands.” 

 Dundee

• Every Saturday 4 June – 17 September
  • Depart Jersey 09:00 – Arrive Dundee 11:10
  • Depart Dundee 11:50 – Arrive Jersey 14:00

Cambridge

• Every Tuesday 10 May – 27 September
  • Depart Jersey 12:00 – Arrive Cambridge 13:10
  • Depart Cambridge 13:50 – Arrive Jersey 15:00

• Every Saturday 7 May – 24 September
  • Depart Guernsey 09:45 – Depart Jersey 10:25 – Arrive Cambridge 11:35 (via Jersey)
  • Depart Cambridge 12:15 – Arrive Jersey 13:25 – Arrive Guernsey 14:05 (via Jersey)

The Christmas season can be a time for thought and reflection, for taking stock of life and being thankful for the many blessings that the year has brought us. This must be great for all the happy festive elves, but in my case the changing of the seasons has quite the opposite effect.

The coming of cold, darkness and Christmas music transforms me from the sunbathing layabout of the summer months into a bitter, resentful creature of winter. Instead of being grateful for my loved ones and all the Maltesers they will bring me, I fixate on the awfulness of British weather and how much I would like to be freed from the economic requirement to leave the house until Spring. Based on my personality, I am destined to be part of the idle ruling class, and the only things standing between me and an all-caviar diet are a lack of rich parents or any particular talent.

Most people would look at their bank account, suck it up and resign themselves to working for a living. They would take a week off in December to dull their brains with mince pies and Wallace & Gromit reruns, and accept this as fair reward for a lifetime of toil. Unfortunately, I am allergic to hard work and tired of The Wrong Trousers, so instead of scouring the internet for thoughtful presents I spend the winter months searching for new ways to make big money with minimum effort. The power of technology means we live in a golden age of get rich quick schemes, so sooner or later I must be guaranteed to strike gold. Come the day I find that One Weird Trick to Make Million$ From Home, your present will be in the post. Until then, why not have a try at some of these yourself?

#1: become an online celebrity
The all-consuming nature of a 24/7 internet connection means that people now expect to be electronically stimulated the entire time they are awake, and so the web is hungry for the slimmest morsel of content that can be squeezed into the gap between games of Candy Crush and pictures of Kim Kardashian’s arse. Dream big and you yourself could be that morsel, and a lack of talent is no barrier. In today’s brave new world, you can become a global celebrity simply by virtue of having a funny dance, falling into a pond, or being an annoyed-looking cat. It’s incredible, because in the early days of the internet the only way to achieve fame was by charging money to take off your clothes. Now, you take off your clothes for free and hope that this enables you to “monetise your personal brand” into a sponsorship deal with a hip new startup that bills itself as “Uber for dogs”, whatever that means. If a pool of talking hairgel like Dapper Laughs can spin a series of seven second videos about sexual harassment into minor celebrity (and a gig in Jersey) – then the sky’s the limit.

#2: be a professional teenager
This is a subset of #1, but is such a low effort way to make money that it stands out in its own. Say what you will about people who get famous for singing badly or making awful comedy, at least there is some pretence of effort that goes into what they do. What is far weirder is that there are teenagers in the world today who have managed to become millionaires solely by uploading videos of things that teenagers would normally do: playing video games, having stupid opinions about music and obsessing about their appearance. As their audience is other teenagers, presumably surrounded by people doing the same stuff, the young YouTube millionaires are in the position of somebody who has got rich by standing at the beach selling people bags of damp sand. It’s genius, or at least it is until you try to watch a video with six million likes called “Ten Reasons Why Mum Should Leave My Room Alone”, and your brain turns into custard and dribbles out of your nose. The only downside to this approach is that I’d need enough money for three facelifts first.

#3: receive money from an
impoverished African nation
We all live in an international finance centre, so the odds are that sooner or later one of those plaintive emails sent from “Moses Attenborough, Your Friend And Former Finance Minister of Nigeria (Africa)” will turn out to be a genuine offer to supply us with a cut of some no-questions-asked US dollars. I firmly believe this to be true, so often spend my weekends replying to any such emails I receive in my Jerseymail inbox. I’ve yet to receive any actual cash, but have a steady supply of witch doctor curses, Thai Rolex watches and many charming pen-friends in downtown Lagos.

#4: do business on the “dark internet”
The JEP recently carried a terrifying story about “the dark web” illustrated with a giant scary iceberg. I think the aim was to frighten parents into spying on their children, but the actual outcome was to alert the paper’s retired readership to the possibility of buying prescription medicine and other nefarious services on that “world inter web”. Considering that this is an audience still using Netscape Navigator, it’s likely that a respectable amount of money is to be made just by registering search-optimised websites along the lines of “Discrete Jersey Viagra Sales”, “Intimate Massage In St Lawrence” and “Mother In Law Assassinations (West of Island only)”. I’m not suggesting that anybody actually deliver these services, only that you might score some easy cash just by setting up a PayPal account and taking speculative deposits. Failing that, there’s probably a decent living to be made just by becoming middle Jersey’s discrete broker of BitCoin services and detailed instructions for deleting your search history before the wife gets back from her bridge club.

#5: Make Thousands Each Week
like This Stay At Home Mom
The ultimate get-rich-quick scheme, which is so cleverly designed that nobody can tell you precisely what it is that a Stay At Home Mom does in order to make her undoubted millions. We are aware that doctors hate her, but also that she knows how to lose belly fat, and look twenty years younger, all without paying income tax. Unlike most people who got rich online, Stay At Home Mom shuns the limelight, so she has never delivered a pretentious TED talk or chaired a panel at SxSW. Perhaps she is worried that the dermatologists would seize the opportunity to strike? Instead, she prefers to concentrate her attentions in reaching out daily to every person who uses the internet without an adblocker, offering the endless and tempting promise of free millions for us all. I really want to have faith and click on one of her ads, but I tried once and something went horribly wrong – instead of being directly connected to Stay At Home Mom I found I’d signed up to give all my money to Tom Cruise in exchange for some wacky religious pamphlets about space monsters. Dermatologists hate him!

Those of us who are lucky enough to call Jersey home don’t need to think very hard about the factors that make this island such a desirable place to live. We are blessed with natural beauty, a mild climate and proximity to the European mainland, and our community benefits from excellent public services and a very low rate of crime. Some might say we live in paradise, but paradise doesn’t come cheap, which is why the going rate of a two bedroom bungalow is nudging half a million quid.
Even though the global economy has wilted like a deflating balloon, Jersey’s housing market has stayed pumped up like Amy Childs. Apparently this happens, despite normal people all being broke, because the cost of land and labour is so high that poor property developers struggle to make a profit – I’ve seen estate agents begging on the streets for enough money to buy hairgel, their skinny suit trousers caked in pigeon droppings and dried caviar. It’s very sad.
This makes it gratifying to be able to offer this exclusive preview of property developments to Gallery readers. Our commercial partners have worked around the clock to create a range of homes to suit all tastes, lifestyles, and budgets. You no longer have to dream about the day you get your foot on the housing ladder – unless of course you leave it too long and these homes all get snapped up by buy-to-let landlords who will own you in bondage like some scabby medieval peasant. What are you waiting for? Run to the bank in your underpants and demand a mortgage RIGHT NOW. Just don’t demand it whilst holding a shotgun, or you’ll be living in a different kind of new build – one up at La Moye.

Flushing Valley Homes, home is where the throne is
We expect strong interest in this development of traditional Jersey family homes, located towards the upper end of the idyllic Belozanne valley. Our rustic gated community features a range of options, from two bedroom semi-detacheds to four beds on their own plot. It offers great access to town and all modern services – you won’t have to worry about mains water or drains, because it is expected that the nearby processing plant will continue operating until the mid 2020s. By that point, we’re confident you’ll be used to the smell and will come to miss it. Each address comes with its own, extremely fertile, garden and residents with a keen interest in sustainable living have the option of pursuing home power generation from the abundant reserves of methane in this area. Starting at £350,000, we anticipate each property in this development will be quickly snapped up, especially the highly desirably addresses at number one and number two. Call our office today to arrange a viewing – we expect to be busy but we can definitely try and squeeze one out. Prospective buyers should note that guest parking is extremely limited, and cars parked outside the designated zone run the risk of being stripped for their parts and crushed.

The Cuckoo’s Nest, a fully serviced apartment village
This charming former hospital in St Saviour has been sensitively redeveloped to feature premium modern conveniences whilst retaining all of its historic charm and character.  In a first for Jersey, we are thrilled to introduce a New York-style ‘dormitory’ living experience for young professionals. The compact, easy-to-maintain accommodations range from chic converted cells to larger padded studio apartments and incorporate a variety of period features that are sure to spark conversation with your envious guests. Many properties feature manacle points, barred windows and timeshare enjoyment of the disembodied, howling spirits that appear in communal areas whenever the grounds are enclosed in fog, which is every Saturday night. Nestled in the countryside of St Saviour, residents can stroll round the reservoir, along moonlit paths and across the sodden ground of numerous deserted graveyards. St Helier is just a short (daytime) drive away, but at home in the Cuckoo’s Nest you’ll hear the screech of the owl, the mysterious scraping of bats and the terrifying hiss of the greasy, foot-long centipedes that crawl across the ceiling at night … and occasionally your face. These apartments are fully serviced by a dedicated maintenance staff, who you’ll soon recognise through their surly demeanour, greying skin and white coats. Residents will be expected to sign up to a code of conduct – infractions will be enforced by a sudden injection in the neck and two weeks in “the hole”.

The Toaster Oven, a grand design with views of Havre des Pas and St Aubin’s Bay
For too long, Jersey’s elite residents have been unable to boast a local address that can match the most exclusive modern developments they experience in places like Dubai, London and Hong Kong. Buildings such as The Shard and the Burj Al Arab aren’t just statement addresses, but landmarks in their own right. Sadly, St Helier has consistently remained second class when it comes to towering monuments of glass and steel. Local architects have denounced this short-sighted focus on buildings that don’t block out the sun, but the challenge has always revolved around securing planning permission for the type of monumental edifice that the island so badly needs. That is, until now. We are proud to announce that negotiations have achieved an historic compromise and that work will soon begin to create an extension offering residential accommodation above the crown jewel of La Colette, the energy from waste plant. By merely tripling the height of the existing building, our architects plan to create a prestige development to be known as “The Toaster Oven”. Finished to the highest standards, residents will experience the best in modern design, a helipad on the roof and unbeatable access to St Helier marina, as well of what remains of Havre des Pas after construction.  This ultra-modern development features internal waste disposal, 24 hour external lighting and self-generated underfloor heating. Windows unfortunately do not open, but the cutting-edge air filtration system has been developed in collaboration with Yankee Candle and Jo Malone. The Toaster Oven – where good taste is baked in and life is always served well done.

Wohnung JE3, European style modernism in St. Peter’s Valley
Moving away from the more traditional homes, we felt that Jersey’s avant-garde creative community would resonate with this bespoke development of extremely distinctive modular dwellings. Connoisseurs of mid-century architecture have reassessed the raw concrete aesthetic popularised by Le Corbusier as an enduring influence to post-millennial design, and this development wittily marries that sensibility with the contemporary trend towards repurposing vintage working spaces into quirky, minimalist homes. For those of you who don’t have asymmetrical haircuts and vintage bicycles, that translates as us constructing a bunch of flats in the disused German tunnels. Each property will showcase the signature exposed brickwork and weathered concrete of this unique location and comes pre-fitted with a menacing looking coffee machine and a top-of-the-range Apple iMac. If you make your home at Wohnung JE3, we are able to guarantee that your meditative enjoyment of minimalist techno music will remain undisturbed by noise or light pollution from the outside world. This development is less suitable for children and individuals requiring vitamin D, but is sure to be a prime location in the event of a nuclear and/or zombie holocaust.