Those of us who are lucky enough to call Jersey home don’t need to think very hard about the factors that make this island such a desirable place to live. We are blessed with natural beauty, a mild climate and proximity to the European mainland, and our community benefits from excellent public services and a very low rate of crime. Some might say we live in paradise, but paradise doesn’t come cheap, which is why the going rate of a two bedroom bungalow is nudging half a million quid.
Even though the global economy has wilted like a deflating balloon, Jersey’s housing market has stayed pumped up like Amy Childs. Apparently this happens, despite normal people all being broke, because the cost of land and labour is so high that poor property developers struggle to make a profit – I’ve seen estate agents begging on the streets for enough money to buy hairgel, their skinny suit trousers caked in pigeon droppings and dried caviar. It’s very sad.
This makes it gratifying to be able to offer this exclusive preview of property developments to Gallery readers. Our commercial partners have worked around the clock to create a range of homes to suit all tastes, lifestyles, and budgets. You no longer have to dream about the day you get your foot on the housing ladder – unless of course you leave it too long and these homes all get snapped up by buy-to-let landlords who will own you in bondage like some scabby medieval peasant. What are you waiting for? Run to the bank in your underpants and demand a mortgage RIGHT NOW. Just don’t demand it whilst holding a shotgun, or you’ll be living in a different kind of new build – one up at La Moye.
Flushing Valley Homes, home is where the throne is
We expect strong interest in this development of traditional Jersey family homes, located towards the upper end of the idyllic Belozanne valley. Our rustic gated community features a range of options, from two bedroom semi-detacheds to four beds on their own plot. It offers great access to town and all modern services – you won’t have to worry about mains water or drains, because it is expected that the nearby processing plant will continue operating until the mid 2020s. By that point, we’re confident you’ll be used to the smell and will come to miss it. Each address comes with its own, extremely fertile, garden and residents with a keen interest in sustainable living have the option of pursuing home power generation from the abundant reserves of methane in this area. Starting at £350,000, we anticipate each property in this development will be quickly snapped up, especially the highly desirably addresses at number one and number two. Call our office today to arrange a viewing – we expect to be busy but we can definitely try and squeeze one out. Prospective buyers should note that guest parking is extremely limited, and cars parked outside the designated zone run the risk of being stripped for their parts and crushed.
The Cuckoo’s Nest, a fully serviced apartment village
This charming former hospital in St Saviour has been sensitively redeveloped to feature premium modern conveniences whilst retaining all of its historic charm and character. In a first for Jersey, we are thrilled to introduce a New York-style ‘dormitory’ living experience for young professionals. The compact, easy-to-maintain accommodations range from chic converted cells to larger padded studio apartments and incorporate a variety of period features that are sure to spark conversation with your envious guests. Many properties feature manacle points, barred windows and timeshare enjoyment of the disembodied, howling spirits that appear in communal areas whenever the grounds are enclosed in fog, which is every Saturday night. Nestled in the countryside of St Saviour, residents can stroll round the reservoir, along moonlit paths and across the sodden ground of numerous deserted graveyards. St Helier is just a short (daytime) drive away, but at home in the Cuckoo’s Nest you’ll hear the screech of the owl, the mysterious scraping of bats and the terrifying hiss of the greasy, foot-long centipedes that crawl across the ceiling at night … and occasionally your face. These apartments are fully serviced by a dedicated maintenance staff, who you’ll soon recognise through their surly demeanour, greying skin and white coats. Residents will be expected to sign up to a code of conduct – infractions will be enforced by a sudden injection in the neck and two weeks in “the hole”.
The Toaster Oven, a grand design with views of Havre des Pas and St Aubin’s Bay
For too long, Jersey’s elite residents have been unable to boast a local address that can match the most exclusive modern developments they experience in places like Dubai, London and Hong Kong. Buildings such as The Shard and the Burj Al Arab aren’t just statement addresses, but landmarks in their own right. Sadly, St Helier has consistently remained second class when it comes to towering monuments of glass and steel. Local architects have denounced this short-sighted focus on buildings that don’t block out the sun, but the challenge has always revolved around securing planning permission for the type of monumental edifice that the island so badly needs. That is, until now. We are proud to announce that negotiations have achieved an historic compromise and that work will soon begin to create an extension offering residential accommodation above the crown jewel of La Colette, the energy from waste plant. By merely tripling the height of the existing building, our architects plan to create a prestige development to be known as “The Toaster Oven”. Finished to the highest standards, residents will experience the best in modern design, a helipad on the roof and unbeatable access to St Helier marina, as well of what remains of Havre des Pas after construction. This ultra-modern development features internal waste disposal, 24 hour external lighting and self-generated underfloor heating. Windows unfortunately do not open, but the cutting-edge air filtration system has been developed in collaboration with Yankee Candle and Jo Malone. The Toaster Oven – where good taste is baked in and life is always served well done.
Wohnung JE3, European style modernism in St. Peter’s Valley
Moving away from the more traditional homes, we felt that Jersey’s avant-garde creative community would resonate with this bespoke development of extremely distinctive modular dwellings. Connoisseurs of mid-century architecture have reassessed the raw concrete aesthetic popularised by Le Corbusier as an enduring influence to post-millennial design, and this development wittily marries that sensibility with the contemporary trend towards repurposing vintage working spaces into quirky, minimalist homes. For those of you who don’t have asymmetrical haircuts and vintage bicycles, that translates as us constructing a bunch of flats in the disused German tunnels. Each property will showcase the signature exposed brickwork and weathered concrete of this unique location and comes pre-fitted with a menacing looking coffee machine and a top-of-the-range Apple iMac. If you make your home at Wohnung JE3, we are able to guarantee that your meditative enjoyment of minimalist techno music will remain undisturbed by noise or light pollution from the outside world. This development is less suitable for children and individuals requiring vitamin D, but is sure to be a prime location in the event of a nuclear and/or zombie holocaust.