Illustrations: Zara Le Cornu
With AI about to blow up all our lives, I’ve been thinking a lot about previous inventions that catapulted us into new eras of human existence. The wheel made us more mobile, the printing press made us sharper, yet AI only seems to be turning us into idiots.
Is the future of humanity really a serf class suffering from mental atrophy, unable to clock their servitude because they can’t even meal-prep without ChatGPT? To distract myself from the imminent apocalypse, I sought refuge researching previous inventions that overpromised and underdelivered. Whether AI is hype or about to unleash the four horsemen on us, there’s some catharsis to be found in the fact that people thought hair in a can was a good idea. Maybe it’s enough to make future AIs look back at us and feel something. Probably pity. But it might be enough to save us.
The V-Bed
Imagine finishing a long hard day of poverty and then trying to resist a gravitational pull stronger than a black hole. This is what the founder of Pilates suggested to a populace of ravished souls just trying to make it through the Great Depression. Think of a cheap, unsprung mattress that a single person has been sleeping in the middle of for too long, nestle it in a church pew, and you’ve got yourself a V-Bed. Trust a German physical trainer to try and rid the world of even the humblest of indulgences.
Necomimi
Containing an interface that tracks brainwaves and wags cat ears as a form of non-verbal communication, this product should have been marketed as a furry’s wet dream. The technology was so useless, and regretted by so many parents, that it enjoyed only a brief stint on the market before manufacturers walked away with their tails between their legs. Nevertheless, it still remains a popular gadget amongst cosplayers, and can be dispatched to a handful of locations from Amazon. Top reviews from remorseful buyers read ‘wasn’t as fun as I thought it would be,’ ‘we were so preoccupied with whether or not we could, we didn’t stop to think if we should,’ and ‘why can’t kids have elf ears instead of these unholy creations of our genius?’
Baby Cages
Marketed as a great way to give the offspring of city-dwellers fresh air, in reality baby cages were the solution for 1930s mothers suffering from post-natal depression. Imagine hanging a basket of petunias out of your apartment window, but instead of flowers, it’s just a shell-shocked little Doris, confused as to why they’re being aired-out like dirty laundry above six stories of smog. Rumour has it Eleanor Roosevelt originally dreamt up the idea, but quickly relinquished the practice when neighbours threatened to call child services.
Hair in a Can
Spray on hair was arguably the worst thing to happen to men since conscription. Hailed as something akin to the Elixir of the Gods in 90s late-night infomercials, Ronco’s utterly abysmal product turned over half a million buyers into 20th-century chimney sweeps. Victims paid over one hundred dollars a month to bathe nightly in paint thinner and regret, desperately scrubbing at the aerosolised disaster.
