Migration Patterns of Traffic Cones
Since their initial integration in the infrastructural ecosystem, traffic cones have struggled to stay put. Wild herds have been found to migrate from their tarmac habitats, heading for more exciting environments within private land.
The most popular relocation appears to be student homes, where cones evolve into hats, makeshift beer buckets and coveted street furniture. It is fitting that they were brought to the UK in 1958, as this is the same year Brenda Lee released ‘Rockin’ Around The Christmas Tree’. Coincidentally, this is what most traffic cones become during festive season in student homes.
In Jersey, traffic cones have been known to engage in more aggressive behaviour. One cone launched itself at a silver Porsche, aided in its operation by a drunk 35 year old. The cone’s partner in crime went to The Magistrates Court, whilst the real culprit got off scot free. This was not the first time traffic cones escaped an orange jumpsuit. A gang of cones ambushed a man back in 2018 outside Cineworld. When the feds arrived, they framed a bystander, who was put into cuffs at the scene. Facebook comments on this breaking news included ‘this is why police should carry guns’, ‘cone terrorist’ and ‘maybe it was madonna’s bra’.
Too many pens
After hearing that paper folded 42 times can reach the moon, I started thinking about the potential of other stationary products. Back in 2006, the BiC Cristal became the best selling pen in the world. But how does it fare against your average piece of A4?
According to BiC, a standard Cristal pen contains enough ink to draw a line 2km long. This means to draw a line from the earth to the moon, you’d need 192,200 biros. Certainly a giant leap, not a small step. A more shocking statistic is that you’d need even more pens to colour the surface of our island. 150 million BiCs would have to bleed out to cover Jersey in ink, before you consider complications such as topography and sand.
To colour the whole world (minus the ocean – it’s impractical) you’d need 187 trillion BiC pens. If you went for black ink, rather than red or blue, you’d be looking at a cost of £28 trillion, even at wholesale prices. This huge sum would bankrupt the entire earth bar the BiC family, who would now hold all the world’s wealth and likely become oligarchic dictators. Under their rule, the rest of us would be forced into the gulag, spending all our remaining days trying to colour in the ground. Even with a swift yet sustainable technique, this mission would take us 178 years (including leap days). This time frame doesn’t factor in additional time for toilet breaks, sleeping, eating and hand cramps.
Objection
If you’re looking for a quick bit of light entertainment, everyone knows you can shoot a Frenchman on the beach past 10pm (as long as you use a crossbow). But that’s completely legal, so where’s the fun in that?
Instead, why not engage in something slightly more mischievous? If you’re a man and it’s harvest season, engaging in knitting is arrest-worthy (the same goes for fishing season, apparently). Women may need to look a bit further to get their fix. With no need to forge their husband’s signature on their own tax returns, wives have been deprived of a route to criminality. All is not as dark as it seems, as a quick girls trip through the channel could get them outlawed. This is provided they take a boat to Herm, without stopping in Guernsey first.
How many Macs did Steve Jobs own?
I recently was carrying my MacBook in the rain, in a flimsy tote bag vulnerable to the elements. I figured it was fine, because whilst canvas isn’t waterproof, this is the main feature of a mackintosh. I was shocked to discover my laptop was ‘water-damaged’. It left me wondering how much market research Steve Jobs actually did within the raincoat industry. I mean, did he ever own a mackintosh? And if he did, how many?
I can confirm that there are no pictures online of Steve ever wearing a mac. This explains my laptop’s lack of water-proofing. However, I find it unbelievable that such a successful man didn’t even try a mac in private. If he did, his track record suggests it was the same one every day, rotated in tandem with his turtlenecks. Regardless of these efforts, Steve’s downfall was that 100 of the same really just boils down to 1. I believe that his lack of raincoat exposure is the real reason why Macs don’t bode well in water.
