Gopnik
Gopniks are what happen in a post-Soviet economic collapse sponsored by Adidas. This subculture of urban youths squat harder than your average fifteen-year-old roadman and favour homophobia, matching tracksuits and mugging. Born and bred in Cold War disappointment, their highest form of spiritual enlightenment is probably a stubbed out cigarette. They are now more of a meme than a menace, mostly just terrorising the stairwells of Eastern Europe.
Bats Day
Bats Day was born when the goth subculture decided they could cope with capitalism to go to Disneyland. Founded in 1999, walking mops in fishnets flock unenthusiastically to pose glumly in front of the Sleeping Beauty Castle, or existentially spiral on a teacup ride.
Ganguro
Ganguro emerged as a Japanese millennial rebellion against their culture’s beauty standards. Fuelled by tanning beds and bleached hair, girls in Tokyo’s Shibuya district rejected porcelain pale harder than the population of Essex on a Friday night. If Hello Kitty shacked up with an Oompa-Loompa and produced offspring, this is an accurate representation of what it would look like.
Chap Hop
Chap hop is giving Tarquin left boarding school and decided to spend his trust fund reinventing himself on his gap yar. It takes anything remotely threatening out of hip hop, instead subbing in cricket references, tea and a ukulele. Who needs ice on the wrist when you can bedazzle Monty and Hugo with monocles that get polished mid-verse? The genre is led by figures such as Professor Elemental and Mr. B the Gentleman Rhymer, satirising the aristocracy they came from in tweed. Michael Gove admitted he was a big fan.
Itasha
Itasha is what you do when you give up all hope of ever getting laid. Born in Japan, the term literally means ‘painful car’, and is a side-effect of your love for anime jizzing onto what would otherwise be a perfectly normal vehicle. Some would call it devotion, others self-sabotage, others a cry for help. They likely contribute to a substantial chunk of illegal streaming sites’ revenue.
Los Frikis
Los Frikis took nihilism to a new level when they purposefully injected themselves with HIV. With no access to rock, gigs or general misfit culture, Cuba’s punk-rock subculture built amps from x-ray machines and sought shelter in state-run AIDS clinics. Now, only a few remain, proving that the flame that burns twice as bright, burns half as long.
Incroyables and merveilleuses
After surviving the guillotine fiasco, Paris’ aristocrats invented their own subculture of post-traumatic chic, sporting silk sandals and see-through gowns through 1795 to 1799. The Incroyables and Merveilleuses boasted the fact that their heads were still attached to their shoulders by wearing over-the-top wigs and swapping handshakes for decapitation-themed head nods.
