Words & Illustration: Stella Six
There comes a time when the island of Jersey, once a sun-drenched playground for your salad-day trysts, melts into something else entirely, like old wax on an abandoned surfboard. A surfboard which, was owned by a guy probably-called-Aaron, who you got off with at the Splash in your twenties, before throwing up lemon-flavoured Hooch on his Uggs. And much like that surfboard wax, you’re older now, and you have LOST YOUR GRIP, because of a condition called ’40-Year-Old Shoulder’ which is an actual thing that you wish you hadn’t Googled. Anyway, the point is – you’re past your prime; you may have your halcyon memories, but you also have many, congealed, sticky regrets. Welcome to middle-aged dating in Jersey! Like the romantic landscape of your youth, it’s just a little bit harder and weirder than in other places. Lucky for you though, Stella Six, Jersey’s premier relationship savant, is back with a few tips to help you to navigate your way through the un-Amazin Maze of ‘mature’ island courtship.
TIP ONE: Change Your Identity
You’re single again, maybe post-divorce, maybe even two (who’s judging? Everyone, that’s who…), and you decide, ‘why not give things another shot?’ You finally, bravely, lift your head from your tear-sodden pillow and look around at your options. It’s then you realise there are only about three eligible people left in your age-group, and you just divorced one of them. He’s now going out with someone with stupid hair who laughs at his jokes. Ha! She’ll learn soon enough that his limited repertoire doesn’t just extend to repartee. Anyway, who else? Oh. The other two used to be married to quite good friends of yours, so there is an insurmountable ick-factor. Like the 1984 film Ghostbusters, which you are sadly old enough to remember, the streams must not cross. They probably wouldn’t even be interested in your over-familiar old caboose. Or would they? Consider this – eyesight in over forties is not what it used to be. You’re probably struggling to read this very article! With a radical haircut, some strategic filler and a name change, you’d be unrecognisable! You could be the hot-new thing on the scene. Fresh meat! At the very least, you’d be able to walk down King Street without someone asking you ‘how are you coping with the divorce?’ and having to pretend you’re fine, when all you want to do is buy a prawn f*cking sandwich on your lunchbreak without crying.
TIP TWO: Recycle
So, for legal reasons, you can’t change your identity? No problem! About three months into being newly single, because you live in Jersey, you will soon bump into all of your exes; like the now-slightly-fat ghosts of relationships past. This is what is known as ‘The Christmas Carol Phenomenon’. I think, you’re supposed to learn some sort of important life lesson about the value of existence or something, but what you can also do, is consider recycling. Were they all THAT bad? I mean sure, Aaron wore Uggs, (actually let’s cross him off the list, not sure he’s over the puking thing anyway), but what about Calum, or Liam, or Darren etc? They were all fun weren’t they! Lads, lads, lads! A quick diddly-doop on Facebook will now reveal that they’ve all died. This will feel a little shocking initially – like, how old AM I? But that’s okay, because at least it means you don’t have to go back out with any of those losers. Your shoulder will be hurting now, so it’s time to step away from the computer. Instead, go and dig out the old sleeping bag from that camping trip with your ex-husband – the one the Relate therapist described as ‘the final straw’ – and stuff it with old JEPs. Now, get one of your ex-husband’s old ties, which apparently, he didn’t need in his ‘new life’, and form a garrotte. Slip that over the foot-end of the sleeping bag and pull it tightly to form a ‘head’. Take some lipstick, and another swig of your wine (sorry, I should have mentioned that – you should be very drunk, although I think that was implied?), and draw a little face on it. Tada! Now you have a boyfriend.
TIP THREE: Expand Your Horizons
If neither of the first two tips appeal to you, you can always try online dating. This will, however, involve finding a travel budget so that you can leave the island to meet people from elsewhere. If you try to date online AND on-island, you will immediately have a nervous breakdown. Here’s why. Firstly, you’ll have to post a TRUTHFUL profile description, because everyone already knows you. There is no use pretending you’re well-read, or into yoga, or whatever. Same goes for pics – forget adding a filter. You’ve already been seen by the whole island IRL (In Real Life), hungover, buying ten bags of mini-cheddars under strip-lighting in what used to be Checkers. What I’m saying is, there is no point putting your best foot forward, because everyone has already seen your disgusting foot. Equally, don’t be seduced by other Jersey profiles like ‘sunset-loving Peter from St Ouen’. A few clicks will reveal that ‘Peter’ is actually Pete, the guy you used to work with at Grey Trust Co, who went on endlessly about his skirting board renovations and how good he is at making ramen. If you must swipe right, swipe right OFF-ISLAND, and limit your location settings to areas with reasonably priced flights – we’re talking Gatwick, or Glasgow, or, I guess Luton. Also remember, everyone keeps saying ‘there’s a boat in the morning’. That might not always be true due to Condor’s cancellation policy, but still, metaphorically, it is true. You do not have to settle for someone your friend has slept with, someone you have slept with, or a sleeping bag you have slept in. You can meet other people, in other places, who will get how special you are. And if they don’t, you never, ever have to see them again. Ever.
Jersey’s relationship expert and dating historian Stella Six now lives in Brighton with her current and hopefully final husband; a vaudeville performer of some notoriety.
