Relationship and intimacy specialist Maggie Bain – also known as the Bare Naked Coach – has moved to the Jersey and joined our Gallery ranks to help local couples repair their relationships. She will be answering questions which she has received from you, hoping to help those with similar problems by drawing on a decade of experience in the field.
Words: Maggie Bain, Photography: Oliver Doran.
Q: “My partner shuts down whenever we argue. I feel like I’m the only one trying to fix things.”
A: For many, this may sound like a simple problem with an easy solution. However, from experience, I know there are probably many layers to peel back to reveal the underlying issues.
At the beginning of a new relationship, it is not uncommon to view everything with a soft hue of optimism—the rose-coloured glasses effect. Our brain chemistry is running high with a rise in ‘feel-good’ hormones, and there’s a sense of floating on cloud nine. Not surprisingly, we develop tunnel vision for our new love interest, and obvious or potential red flags are often overlooked.
Cynics would have us believe these feelings of euphoria are merely infatuation, and not real. However, we know it is an evolutionary method to bring couples together. We understand the initial high is not sustainable and will naturally settle, replaced by the bonding hormones needed for lasting connection.
Interestingly, some people manage to live within this honeymoon period for longer—perhaps several years— predominantly due to their personality and temperament. Natural optimism and an ability to resolve problems are instrumental in establishing relationship ground rules, allowing them to sustain that positive energy.
But no two couples are alike, and each has their own style of addressing issues, from small misunderstandings to major conflict. Learning how to navigate this tricky terrain can test even the most patient people. Notably, individuals often forget to emotionally regulate themselves according to the degree of discord. Meaning: not everything needs to be an argument or a full-blown explosion. A discussion or a deep conversation can resolve many disagreements. Once couples learn that not everything needs to be—or should be—50/50, compromise comes more easily.
It is often at this junction in a relationship that flaws start to reveal themselves, and a mutual interest in progressing further will determine its future.
Without knowing the details of your relationship history, I wonder: has it always been like this, or has there been a change in your dynamic?
When I guide clients with similar issues, we carefully peel back the layers of unspoken thoughts and truths. We often discover shifts in their relational patterns so subtle that neither party can pinpoint how or when things changed. However, some rapid changes catch everyone off guard— unemployment, a promotion, or a significant shift in finances. A person’s ability to pivot, and to stand consistently beside their partner through celebration or loss, is a revealing quality. It asks: have they got what it takes?
Perhaps in your situation, it is none of the above scenarios, but rather a learned behaviour. I often hear phrases like:
“I give up… What’s the point? They always win. It’s all about them.” This sense of defeat leads to shutting down.
I appreciate my reply may be hard to read, as it might touch on some tender spots. As frustrating as it is to meet resistance when trying to resolve problems, I would recommend seeking professional help as soon as possible.
Don’t carry old problems or unhealthy habits into the New Year. Start as you mean to go on!
For Private Consultation at The Mind & Body Rooms, Charing Cross, St. Helier, or Zoom, message Maggie at maggie@barenakedcoach.com or visit barenakedcoach.com
