Relationship and intimacy specialist Maggie Bain – also known as the Bare Naked Coach – has moved to the Jersey and joined our Gallery ranks to help local couples repair their relationships. She will be answering questions which she has received from you, hoping to help those with similar problems by drawing on a decade of experience in the field.
Words: Maggie Bain, Photography: Oliver Doran
Q: How much privacy is healthy in a relationship?
A: This is such a great question. In fact, it probably sums up the many reasons people get in touch with me in the first place. The question itself has so much depth and impact on a relationship, and yet it is often overlooked by couples—until drama and chaos enter their relationship.
When an individual makes a decision to begin a relationship, they often consider how to approach it. Should they go with the flow and see where it leads, or strategically plan? They may reflect on past experiences and find themselves being steered in one direction. However, in truth, there is a time and place for both.
Making conscious, joint decisions about preserving the integrity of your union is so important in establishing a firm foundation, including trust, respect, loyalty, and honesty. This needs to be a mutual agreement, unique to each couple. Laying it all on the table and discussing it honestly will minimize fallout later on. It is at this juncture that the wise old saying rings true: ‘Start as you mean to go on.’ Everyone starts on the same page, and intentions are set.
What is being agreed upon are boundaries, with the aim of achieving peaceful intimacy. Coupledom is being protected from the inside, and outside distractions have no access. But are there exceptions?
“I always need to talk things through with my best friend—they’re my therapist!”
I hear this all the time. Couples discuss individually with their loyal, long-term friends. This works for a lot of people. It can be helpful, as long as everyone concerned knows this is happening. However, it is rare to receive objective advice, and friendship dynamics can change over time, which can then be interpreted as ‘meddling.’ There are many couples who have learned this the hard way and now reach out for professional relationship help if they are unable to solve problems themselves.
But what happens if boundary lines are crossed, either by your partner or by yourself? Agreements are violated. Things get messy very quickly; suddenly, cracks appear and can be felt within the foundation. This is because the privacy that protects intimacy has been replaced with secrecy. This may be hidden by shame, fear, or an attempt to avoid accountability, but either way, a gaping wound has been created. Damage has been done.
Having listened to many agonizing stories of betrayal, I have possibly heard every justification for holding a secret. Despite the hole of deception getting deeper and deeper, the individuals lack the courage to come clean. Some hold onto them for decades and lead completely separate lives. Sadly, many lack insight into the outcome of their deception as their relationship implodes.
When my work with couples deepens and trust has been established, we move towards discussing what is happening in the bedroom. This is a sacred place, and every couple’s interpretation of intimacy varies. Fairly often, outside problems have infiltrated their private life and a barrier has developed between them. They haven’t been able to share this with each other, and it has caused tremendous distress. One of the many causes of this is body dysmorphia. Their body has changed—weight, stretch marks, scars, body-altering surgery—and this applies to all genders. They don’t feel or look the same. Their body image and sense of worth have changed, and they don’t know how to fix the problem. Thankfully, their love for each other and desire to find a way to improve or restore their connection has pushed them to seek help.
So it is with gentle sensitivity that I open up the topic. The therapeutic safe space allows for this delicate conversation. This is rarely a quick fix, but rather a shift of perspective to allow a new sexual intimacy to be created. They learn new ‘how-tos’ and are often surprised by how small changes can make an enormous difference.
Once a mature and respectful relationship foundation is upheld, then life together can flow naturally. The healthiest and happiest couples say they talk about their relationship often with each other, essentially checking in to ensure everything is good. By doing this, they are addressing any issue as it pops up, nipping it in the bud, rather than waiting for it to snowball unnecessarily.
The answer for peaceful intimacy is to keep privacy tight and hold no secrets from each other.
