Relationship and intimacy specialist Maggie Bain – also known as the Bare Naked Coach – has moved to the Jersey and joined our Gallery ranks to help local couples repair their relationships. She will be answering questions which she has received from you, hoping to help those with similar problems by drawing on a decade of experience in the field.
“I’ve been happily with my boyfriend for a while now. However, he’s recently started bringing up an incident from a few years ago that I thought he had forgiven me for. I feel I should just accept this because I was in the wrong, but I truly thought we’d moved on. I don’t want to lose him, but I’m not happy. What should I do?“
I understand how your boyfriend’s change in behaviour has thrown you off balance. Thinking you are both moving forward, only to discover he is not in the same place, is deeply disconcerting.
In my years as a relationship specialist, I’ve learned that trust has many layers. Like love, it holds different meanings for everyone. If we remove the variables, essential ingredients like reliability, dependability, and integrity form the necessary foundation for a strong relationship.
For some couples, this happens naturally. For others, bumps in the road require good communication and fair negotiation to overcome. Unfortunately, these moments can be a critical test for each individual and for the relationship’s future.
Just because a crack appears after a long period of calm doesn’t mean it’s beyond repair. It may signal that an issue which seemed resolved was never fully addressed.
“I thought he had forgiven me…”
For many, accepting an apology seems to come easily—it’s a social norm. We’re taught to forgive, not only for the other person but to free ourselves from the burden. However, many pay lip service to forgiveness, saying the words quickly to relieve the painful moment. Problem solved!
Or is it? The trouble is, if you don’t speak your truth by expressing emotions like hurt, shock, or disappointment, you aren’t addressing the real problem. Unexpressed negative thoughts are left to fester.
This brings us back to the critical importance of expressing feelings with your partner. All too often, I see positive relationships turn sour because the focus shifts to what is wrong rather than what is good. If your boyfriend isn’t sharing these thoughts with you, he is denying you the opportunity to understand what is happening within your connection. I specify partner because discussing this with others can invite biased opinions and create more confusion.
Perhaps your boyfriend has been triggered by an external event—hearing a friend’s story, for instance—which mirrored his fears and brought up old uncertainties. These moments are relatable and are generally not a reason to end a relationship. However, if underlying issues haven’t been truly resolved, they often create emotional distance.
People often say, “We’re not as close as we used to be.” These words reflect how intimacy is affected by a change in closeness. This space is a form of protection from further hurt, but if left unaddressed, it only breeds unhappiness—which is what I suspect is happening now.
As a relationship matures, it’s natural to consider next steps. Full commitment, whether through marriage or moving in together, will make you both consider any red flags. Now is the time to address this properly. Tolerating poor treatment is never acceptable. The idea that you deserve to be punished for a past event is unjustifiable. You are not a doormat; you are an invested partner who deserves to be treated fairly. I understand the fear of losing him has a hold on you, but your unhappiness will only grow if this remains unresolved.
Initiating a difficult conversation is not for the faint of heart. But have faith that if you both commit to open, honest dialogue, you will gain a better understanding of what is truly happening. If you struggle to start this conversation or feel you’re not making progress, remember that seeking professional guidance is always an option.
Remember: The only effective road to true intimacy is to learn how to be transparent and honest.
For Private Consultation at The Mind & Body Rooms, Charing Cross, St. Helier, or Zoom, message Maggie at maggie@barenakedcoach.com or visit barenakedcoach.com
