Namaste! Om! Guten abend! Shabba! Whatever language you speak I’d like to give you a loving welcome to this gateway to alternative medicine, opened by me, Mary Mulabandha – qualified massage therapist, ordained Wiccan priestess and fifth plateau angel healer. I’ve dedicated my life (at least in this incarnation) to spreading the word about good health for the body and the mind, and through the medium of interpretative dance I was able to persuade the wonderful people who publish this magazine to devote a few pages to sharing my wisdom with you, the lovely readers.

It’s too often that alternative medicine is dismissed by the mainstream media, which is pedantically obsessed with things like “proof”, when in reality we can offer something that science, logic and conventional medicine cannot. I don’t mean the ability to survive on lentils without getting diarrhoea, but the possibility of healing not just your body, but your eternal soul. You won’t get that from your fancy paracetamol, whooping cough vaccines and kidney dialysis.

Yes, the biased media would like to dismiss people who don’t use conventional medicine as cult members who worship tofu and have sexual feelings for dolphins. Although this is true of me, there are plenty of more “normal” people who also put their faith in alternative medicine, like Prince Charles and David Bellamy. The likes of Gwyneth Paltrow and Madonna are just as cynical as I am about what the doctor tells them, so crystal healing is for normal people too, not just for those of us who live in a yurt and sleep standing up.  I hope that eventually the world will see sense and there will be as much room at the hospital for homeopathy and past life regression therapy as there is for MRI scans and stitches. Until that happy day, you’re welcome to come to me instead of your GP. This first bit of advice is free, but my general rates are a very reasonable £80 for a half hour. Om!

Nutrition is the foundation of all healthy lives

One of the biggest weaknesses of conventional medicine is that it is so obsessed with pushing pharmaceutical and surgical solutions that it ignores how easy it is to stop the majority of diseases with just a few (hundred) changes to your daily diet. In olden days, before food was full of chemicals, people didn’t need orthopaedic surgery or Prozac because they had lifestyles that flowed in harmony with nature. Our tribal ancestors regularly lived to 200 years old, never got flu, and could speak with the whales. This was all lost as soon as modern society developed, which is why there aren’t any written records of this golden age, just folk songs and cave art depicting recipes for brown rice. Even without written history, and despite the efforts of “big pharma” to suppress it, nutritional wisdom is still available to us all – I attended an (online) university for an entire month, learned all about superfoods, and can now call myself a Dr. in China, Nigeria and twelve US states. Did you know that a kale enema every morning can reverse heart disease and make you look 20 years younger? I bet you weren’t aware that no society with a gluten-free diet has ever launched a nuclear weapon, or that artificial sweeteners were invented by Nazi Germany. The first step to immortality is to put down that hamburger and pick up a handful of organic wheatgrass – you can get this a lot of places now but the variety sold by my clinic is also guaranteed to have 200% of your daily serving of antioxidants. Only £8 a box.

Mother nature is our wisest teacher

The great miracle of Gaia is that the planet produces so much healing that we could all live in disease-free harmony if our bodies weren’t corrupted by negative thoughts and selfish behaviours.  I am sad to say that this definitely applies to the people who reported my mail-order supplement business to the Trading Standards Bureau – your bitterness is your own burden, and it will accompany you to an early grave, before you will be reborn very low down the karmic cycle, probably as slugs or beetles.  You’ll never be happy. Anyway, I don’t have the time to dwell on negativity –  because I am nourished by the love I feel from all the plants and animals that surround me, even stinging nettles and the one-legged pigeons that live in St Helier. The birds of the air and the beasts of the field show us that it is possible to live a healthy, harmonious life without disruptive technology like petrol engines or pacemakers. They are all friends together, singing the beautiful song of the universe. Except when they fight each other, go extinct, or are grizzly bears who tried to eat me even though I had only joined their community to teach them yoga. I should have stayed with the dolphins, but their possessiveness was stifling and a barrier to my personal growth.

We are bound by hidden currents of powerful energy

Any person who studies the subject will come to understand the universal truth that the ancient people of the earth possessed great wisdom that modern societies simply do not. It wasn’t just that they avoided the dangers of gluten and dairy – they were wise enough to understand how hidden currents of energy connect all things. This energy really does power everything, from the moon angels that cause women’s monthly cycle to the spirit vortex that lets me speak with Cecil the Lion. Yet we must be cautious – if not used with proper training, it can be deadly, so just as advanced yogis can nourish themselves from pure solar rays it is also true that sunbeds and fluorescent office lights cause our DNA to go mouldy. This is why wireless internet is a health hazard, even though you can’t actually see it without a special pendant (available from my website for £39.99). Luckily, I can train you not just to see this energy, but to harness it for the power of your own health. A great tribal elder by the name of Yoda once said “luminous beings we are, not this crude matter” – these are words I live by every day.

This article has been too brief, but I hope it has opened your third eye to some divine and powerful truths. These words come to you with love, and they are so full of positive energy that you’ll be able to cure minor illnesses simply by standing out in the beautiful sunshine and rubbing the magazine hard against your face for 20 minutes. If you’re still feeling out of cosmic balance, then call my clinic for an appointment. Just check with the girl on the desk that I’m not snowboarding or in Ibiza that week. Namaste!