It is a proven scientific fact that massive, beefy men with 0.5% body fat are not just vastly more attractive to the opposite sex, but also more prosperous, intelligent and successful at getting scientist types in a headlock until they agree to write exactly what we tell them. I am personally so ripped that my shoulder definition is visible on Google Earth, and the real reason Google is banned in China is that even looking at my swole body from above was messing up the one-child policy.
If you’re brave enough to admit you want to be like me, then I hope you’ve been following my last set of fitness tips to the letter and so probably have a body like an airbrushed picture of He-Man. If not, I expect you cry when you look in the mirror at night, and unlike me you don’t do this because you’re so beautiful it hurts.
Well, Gallery aren’t paying me to make you feel bad (I do that for free) but rather to shoulder you weaklings like a bag of cement and keep pumping til you’re in better shape. The problem is, this issue hits the streets in July, so if you’re a bro and you’ve not been on a 100% protein shake diet since at least January there’s every chance you’re already embarrassed to take your shirt off on the beach because you’ve got triceps like a famine victim. I’m comfortable de-shirting in King Street, in the supermarket, at funerals, and you could be there too if you’d only spent winter shredding instead of sledding. Luckily for you, you don’t have to get on eBay to obtain last-minute tickets to the gun show. There’s been a terrible accident in your fitness regime, but you got picked up by the slambulance and the doctor is about to give your muscles the kiss of life. Nurse, get ready to inject the patient with 300 grammes of protein and an emergency beef transfusion – STAT.
Step 1: when it’s too late for regular fitness, it’s time to go extreme
You can get acceptable results just by eating less and lifting a lot of weights, but if you want to be certified 100% beef in record time you’re going to need to get involved with a 360 degree fitness lifestyle programme developed, copyrighted and then marketed by American businessmen. All the trends are big in Jersey – Tikkaram Sphincter Yoga, BootyPump, Taebo-Capoe-Jitsu, Pilates Paddlekite boards, Spincycling, Jog of War; but the one I most recommend is HotCrossFit. This targeted programme of posting hashtagged gym pictures of yourself on Facebook has successfully enrolled many Jersey people in the Shrediversity, and you probably already know somebody who’s just dying to talk to you about it. They’re like Hare Krishnas who lift. Remember, it doesn’t matter how much you work out – if you don’t get up every morning and repost an inspirational quote about dedication you’ll probably die fat on the toilet like Elvis.
Step 2: regular food is for herbivores, babies and people in intensive care
Sport scientists have proven that it is impossible to get fully swole if you just eat normal food. You won’t be nominated for a bro BAFTA by Dame Judi Hench eating normal supermarket fare, you need to adopt a fad diet. How do you know it’s a fad diet? If you have to talk about it to other people, subscribe to a meal planning website or join a Facebook group. Atkins, raw food vegan and the anal juice cleanse plan will all get you a ticket on the tonk train, but Paleo is the best. Paleo was born when archaeologists discovered that some cavemen dealt with knowing that the protein shake wouldn’t be invented for 1 million years by becoming so swole that dinosaurs couldn’t be bothered to eat them. A daily programme of high set, low rep training and a diet of raw chicken is believed to have produced lean caveman gains. The only thing these early bros feared was the dreaded Tyrannosaurus Flex, but science thinks modern Paleo followers are safe because T Rex went extinct when he failed to concentrate on his arms.
Step 3: fitness technology adds cutting edge science to your gains
Unlike paleo man, today’s swoldier on the battlefield can benefit from thousands of years of scientific brogress. Some people might point to antibiotics or the moon rocket as the pinnacle of scientific achievement, but as far as I’m concerned antibiotics are for the animals I eat and the only rocket fuel I need is a creatine energy drink. Where scientists should be most proud is in the realm of proven, 110% efficient fitness technology. It must work, as you can’t lie in a TV infomercial. Where would humanity be without the power plate, home ab cruncher machines and those weird fitness shoes that women think will make their bottoms smaller? Along with the modern marvel that is anabolic steroids, scientists probably play these inventions down as they miss working for Soviet Russia and are ashamed of being too busy in the lab to lift twice daily.
Step 4: never be afraid to show off your fitness regime and lean sexy body
Never forget that the object of all this work is a body you can show off, under any circumstances – remember what I said about funerals, there are always chicks there waiting to be put back in a good mood. Some people used to believe in working out in secret, emerging into the light to dazzle their audience like James Brown, Godfather of Swole, but this is a wasted opportunity to show the public your fifty shades of gains. I recommend working out in public as much as humanly possible, whether this is at the busiest time for the gym, lifting weights in front of a window onto the street or simply doing 200 press ups in the toilet paper isle at the supermarket.
Step 5: ignore all safety warnings
So-called doctors will tell you that hitting the gym for seven hours a day and living on pure protein will lead to cardiovascular danger and an early death, but I’m a qualified sports nutritionist and I’ll tell you that this kind of advice is why there are so many weak old people about. Take a look at Hulk Hogan – dude is like 90 and the only side effect from years of steroids is a glowing moustache and the ability to bench press two fully loaded wheelchairs. The only medical advice he took is from President Rawnald Reagan, who told the Hulkster that he was a real American and that he could elbow drop Ultimate Warrior with impunity. If you need to get big quick, you need to treat having small muscles like a medical emergency and go hard like day-old porridge. That pounding in your head is nothing but the sound of your body being beaten into submission by the most effective fitness supplement of all: raw willpower.