If there?s one thing I can?t stand it?s being lectured at by some eco-evangelist determined to right the error of my eco-wrongs. All those self-righteous greenies who are always urging us to reduce, recycle and re-use to save the planet always leave me feeling like I?ve just suffered a mild concussion without quite knowing why. Save the planet from what exactly?

 

Personally, I?d rather be saved from their irritating whining and pleadings to be more environmentally friendly. So although I appreciate that loads of you might feel compelled to buy into all this energy conserving crap, please understand that some of us don?t! I don?t want to spend my time fretting over whether I?ve left the tv on standby, or trying to think of more ingenious uses for empty plastic ice-cream tubs, or agonising over the biodegradability of every item I purchase.

 

Today for example, without feeling even the tiniest twinge of guilt, I was a willing participant in mass murder. My kitchen had been invaded by ants and they had to be dealt with. In my defence, before calling in pest control, I looked online for a kinder (cheaper?) way of dealing with the little buggers, but the eco friendly suggestions all seemed a bit suspect. Some of them involved spraying vinegar in all cracks and crevices and then topping this up with coffee grounds. Really! And if that didn?t work what next? Should I have sneaked up on them with champagne and canapés in a crazy attempt to wipe them out with the best picnic they?ve ever had?

 

?Would you like a bag with that?? Surely this has to be one of the most annoying questions in the history of shopping. Sometimes I?m tempted to squander a quid and casually say ?Yeah, I?ll take 100 thanks?. But no, if you?ve forgotten to take your own bags with you then expect to be treated with the kind of disdain usually reserved for shoplifters. Actually, on second thoughts, a shoplifter will probably be treated with more respect because, don?t forget, they probably didn?t need to beg for a carrier bag did they? They?re environmentally friendly thieves!  So now we?re all supposed to run around armed to the teeth with cumbersome, ugly jute eco-bags, and it?s mainly for the supermarkets own convenience. They operate under the pretext that they?re saving the environment, but we know that they get to save themselves money by providing fewer bags, while cheekily charging us for the ones they do begrudgingly supply!

 

There can be few things more tedious than going out for a meal with one of these eco-worriers. Inevitably, they will hold up proceedings by enquiring as to the exact provenance of their chicken fillet. Was it housed in a 5-star coop and did it receive a relaxing massage and counselling before it had its little neck wrung? Is their fish sustainably sourced? They tend to react badly if you laugh at their cries of anguish as you cheerfully spear a floret of Spanish broccoli (think of the food miles!) But how they love it if the napkins are white because then they can start preaching about the evil effects of bleach on the environment. I?d happily drink some at this stage if it rendered me deaf to their whingeing.

 

And for all you nutcases obsessed with picking up those red rubber bands the postie drops, it was amusing for the first couple of days but I?d like you to stop it now! Why don?t you go back into your house and wrap all your electrical items in aluminium foil? Yes, I know that?s not exactly an eco-tip but something tells me it?ll keep you occupied and off the streets for a while.

 

I also can?t stand it when people insist on wearing hideous vegan leather footwear and t-shirts emblazoned with ?Don?t Panic, I?m Organic? I?d like to batter them with a blunt instrument. An eco-friendly one of course, made from recyclable materials.

 

I never knew there was so much fun to be had recycling rubbish into even more useless rubbish. I?ve come across loads of brilliant suggestions but my favourite one involves recycling old car seatbelts into ordinary belts! Apparently, ?it?s a great gift idea for anyone who wears belts or likes cars? So, for that special someone in your life who likes both cars and belts you?ve hit pay dirt! Don?t all rush at once now….I can?t wait to see the faces of the lucky eco-bores I?ve earmarked for this particular gift. Stylishly wrapped in biodegradable newspaper of course. And for all you budding eco-fashionistas, don?t despair because there?s a stunning chopstick handbag you can make if you ?just happen? to have thousands of chopsticks that you can?t bear to part with lying around the house. They say it?s a ?great looking accessory?…I say yeah, but only for someone who?s in a coma – then they won?t have to feel the pain of its ugliness. Oh hold on, I?ve just seen an eco-recipe for making your own mouthwash and the second ingredient is vodka…  Mmm… maybe I?m being too harsh…