2025 packed some big headlines. OpenAI became the world’s most valuable private company, Oasis reunited, and Donald Trump was inaugurated for a second term. Somewhere between the Pope dying and Taylor Swift igniting internet panic over ‘The Life of a Showgirl,’ Anna Wintour left Vogue, Charlie Kirk got shot, and Chris Brown was arrested (again).
These are the kind of headlines that make local journalists question their life choices. A friend once told me that if he had to write one more article about the ferry fiasco, he’d have to commit a series of felonies just to generate something newsworthy. In the end, he moved to London instead, largely reporting on topics of the same magnitude, just with more Pret A Mangers and a longer commute. But what did he leave behind? I combed through this year’s local headlines, to find the masterpieces of micro-drama that he forsook.
Red Stripe on Rural Lane Sparks Social Media Storm
3rd June 2025
Facebook mums mobilised en masse after a red stripe appeared on a road in Grouville. The “eyesore” of a safety initiative was condemned as “a monstrosity” for its “harsh, urban-looking” vibe. Constable Mark Labey stood firm, insisting that the glaring crimson line, practically visible from space, was exactly what the lane needed. To some, it’s an atrocity. To others, it’s avant-garde infrastructure.
Buoy Recovered After Drifting Away from France
25th September 2025
After days missing in action, a French navigation buoy named La Jument des Héaux washed up near Portelet Common. Coastguards reunited the lost soldier with French maritime colleagues, to arrange for the buoy’s “safe return home.”
Warning to Fill Holes Dug in Sand at Beaches
24th July 2025
Authorities issued a stern reminder that unfilled sand holes pose a perilous danger, and can even lead to “serious injury or death.” Avid diggers were warned to, under no circumstances, leave their holes unattended – lest the four horsemen be released upon us all.
Pavements to Lose Red Colour When Resurfaced
20th August 2025
Contrary to the sentiments of Facebook mums in Grouville, downtown there was heartbreak over replacing the ring road’s beloved red pavements with ordinary black asphalt. Parish officials mourned the aesthetic downgrade but cited “cost, durability, and availability.” It appears there is no room in the budget for beauty, moving forwards.
11-Year-Old Girl Has Bike Stolen
7th September 2025
An 11-year-old suffered a “slight injury to her finger” after two masked teens pushed her off her bike. The suspects escaped on an electric scooter (modern banditry at its finest) but ditched their plunder nearby. Police stated that “suspects remain outstanding,” which sounds much better than “we have no leads.”
A Rocky Horror Fan Has Seen Live Show 45 Times
26th September 2025
Local legend Glyn Reynolds has attended The Rocky Horror Show 45 times, describing it as “pure escapism.” To mark the film’s 50th anniversary, he showcased his memorabilia and confessed it still brings him to tears. Perhaps repetition done right can feel like liberation after all.
