Honorary police have been out in force setting up road checks in order to perform spot checks on drivers and passengers as a result of an alarming increase in islanders’ suntan levels.

Those travelling for essential shopping over the bank holiday weekend – or at least pretending to be and rapidly working through plausible scenarios in their minds upon realising what lay ahead of them – were greeted by mask-wearing police officers at a safe distance of at least two metres expecting to be quizzed about which shops they were visiting, where they lived and where they’d come from but were shocked to be questioned in relation to their sunglasses marks instead.

86% of islanders are reported to be sunburnt to some degree despite spending no more than two hours out in public per day. With a large number of people also still allegedly ‘working’ from home, authorities have become suspicious that islanders may in fact have been skiving, or worse still; sneaking out to the more secluded bays for unauthorised staycations. Everyone knows that it’s impossible to see a laptop screen in anything but completely overcast weather – and those able to work from home are most likely to be doing so using a laptop – so it stands to reason that the only chance they should be able to bathe in the uncharacteristically good weather would be between 5:30pm and sunset, currently around 8pm. That is, assuming they don’t have kids and like to eat their dinner late. So you’d better have a solid alibi if you get stopped and questioned.

Those able to prove that they’re unable to work from home and have a suitable, ideally south-facing, outdoor area can apply for an attestation form from their local parish hall at a cost of £5, valid for the entire lockdown period. Analysts are predicting that suncream will be the next item subject to panic-buying, with supply unable to outweigh potential demand with the stock levels traditionally held by retailers in April, although once every household has a bottle it’ll last them until September because we seem to have already received our annual quote of sunshine and warm weather. The message is, as always, don’t buy more than you need. And it’s going to rain this week so you won’t need much, according to the Met Office.

Local skeptics on Facebook are claiming that the spike in good weather has been the result of reduced cloud-seeding while government chemtrail aircraft are unable to hide amongst the busy air traffic overflying the English Channel, as the weather in the north of England has been characteristically average while we’ve been experiencing a heatwave. So if you’ve been wondering why the three things that are hard to find in supermarkets are loo roll, suncream and tin foil, hopefully things are now a little clearer.

On a serious note though, keep at it and don’t bend the rules or restrictions will be tightened. Don’t forget that we’ve got a temporary hospital being erected at an alarmingly fast pace in preparation for a potential spike in cases requiring medical intervention so we still have to take things seriously. Italy, Spain, and to a certain extent France, placed bans on leisure cycling and have restricted all forms of exercise to within a 1 or 2km distance of your home – so unless you live with a group of friends who are all into running or cycling, don’t meet up and go out together for exercise. Don’t sunbathe at the beach, sit in the park or use the exercise equipment on the front (why anyone would want to touch public exercise equipment and then wipe their sweaty faces right now is beyond me, but I’ve seen people doing it even though the areas are plastered in blue and white tape with ‘police’ emblazoned on it). Stay indoors, don’t panic, stop opening your fridge – it’s still nearly empty!