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After months of lockdown, the entire world will have begun to resemble a kind of seventies redux with people having worn the same pair of jeans and scruffy old t-shirt for as long as they can remember and being unable to visit a hairdresser unless they’re fortunate enough to live with one who managed to smuggle the tools of their trade out of the salon while they still could.
While this could be an advantage for those who might want to take advantage of a free cup of soup from the Salvation Army in their lunch-hour to save a few quid when working from home is something their employers have suddenly decided is no longer a feasible option, there are many who’ll be in desperate need of a trim – prompting officials to begin preparing for the worst even before we as a nation have managed to flatten the curve. And no, that isn’t terminology they teach you at beauty therapy school for dealing with an errant quiff.
From his hospital bed, Boris Johnson pledged extra funding for beauty schools to invest in video-conferencing equipment to allow a record number of aspiring hairdressers to train from the safety of their own homes without realising that everybody’s just been using Houseparty for about a month now anyway. Other world leaders have also shown awareness of the shortfall in barbers and stylists, with analysts warning that when lockdown eventually ends and absolutely everyone will be desperate to lose a few inches of hair. Donald Trump’s wig was unavailable for comment.
Mr Johnson insisted that the only way to deal with this upcoming national emergency will be his proposed deployment of around the clock ‘drive-thru salons’ set up in disused airport car parks (because let’s face it, nobody’s going on holiday any time soon in any case) with a target of 100,000 haircuts per day set to be achieved by the end of September. Opposition members are sceptical about such a bold claim, noting that ongoing supply-chain issues will likely inhibit the delivery of much needed scissors, ponchos and hairbrushes due in from China.
Medical experts are also warning of the risks of people attempting to cut their own hair at home; catching skin in the moving parts of clippers, the danger of contracting tetanus from rusty hairdressers scissors found at the back of damp bathroom cupboards and blunt object trauma injuries caused by kids throwing a tantrum and partners losing their shit when they realise there’s a huge chunk of hair missing from the back of their head. To avoid unnecessary extra stress on the health service it is strongly advised to avoid home-haircuts.
The overarching message is to stay at home, protect the kitchen scissors from misuse, and ultimately, save lives.