Fun, fruity F37 WLTM cuddly gentleman to share romantic movies, ice cream and a small bungalow containing nine cats and a VHS library of every episode of Ally McBeal.  I work from home and rarely leave the house (unless I want to come back to find a ‘special present’ in one of my slippers) so webcam dates would be ideal.  If you’re interested, please send a recent picture and your ideas for the best ways to dress my kitties up as the cast of The Wizard of Oz.

 

Are you a damsel in distress? I, Lothar the magnificent, will be your dragon-slayer.  I vow to storm the castle of your love, destroy the chains that bind you and vanquish the spirits of loneliness with a rubber sword I bought from the back pages of Aircraft Modeller magazine.  A ten-year addiction to World of Warcraft gives me considerable experience with the storming and the vanquishing, although much less with the damsels.  Reply to PO Box 1337 if you own a metal bikini and think you can show me how to use a tumble drier.

 

F17, GSOH, WLTM M18-24 W/IPHONE 4 TXT CHT POSS TXT-SX XXX. MSG ME IF U R GAME – I’M @PC 24/7, POSTN PICS ON FB, TWITTER, BEBO, WHATEVS. ME+U = NO LYF. LOL WTF.

 

Too busy to meet people? Successful businessman, 42, seeks Blackberry-based relationship in which I use my latest smartphone to tell you about how much I earn, how much this suit cost and why my cow of an ex-wife is taking me to the cleaners.  If this sounds good to you, leave a message with my secretary. Unless you are my secretary, in which case I’m not doing that paternity test, so get lost.

 

Have you seen my cow? I think she slipped through the hedge whilst I was mucking out the pigs.  She’s brown, about six foot long and answers to the name of Gertrude.  Please get in touch if you’ve seen her, the nights are cold in St Mary and I am dreadfully lonely.

 

Male, 25, likes going to the gym, watching football, playing football and talking about football. Would like to meet same to spend long evenings discussing the performance of players and ignoring the Brokeback Mountain undertones to the friendships of lads who read Men’s Health on the toilet and spend more time thinking about Thierry Henry than their girlfriends.

 

Bella seeks Edward. In my dreams I am pale, shiny and mysterious – by day I have bad breath and work in a dry cleaners.  Join me, my midnight sweetheart, and together we can drink the blood of the living, or at least share a bottle of Strawberry Yazoo.

 

Posh lady, 52, searching for giant, powerful beast with a chestnut mane and a liking for apples and sugar lumps.  You will be the strong, silent type; I am shrill and handy with a whip.  Together we will gallop through life, although not through France.  I like to make hay whilst the sun shines, hopefully you like to eat it all year round.  No geldings allowed.

 

Lemmy Kilminster, 66, lead singer of the band Motorhead, desires nothing more than to settle down in the parish of St Lawrence.  I may have a reputation for hell-raising, hard drinking and collecting Nazi memorabilia, but secretly I love nothing more than attending the Parish Fete and trying to win a bottle of cooking sherry on the tombola.  Write to PO Box 666 if you love Cliff Richard, are interested in macrame and want to play drums on our tour of South America. S.W.A.L.K.

 

You don’t have to be beautiful to turn me on – I just need your body baby, from dusk til dawn. Freaky purple midget is looking for women (not girls) and isn’t bothered if you’re rich, cool, or any particular sign. Experience is not needed, and you don’t have to watch Dynasty to have an attitude. Just leave it all up to me, and we can have a good time.

 

Chubby, Asian barrel of laughs seeks ladies with a love of travel and diplomatic immunity.  I’ve recently inherited the family business, which comes with an army, a large collection of brown coats and a clandestine programme of uranium enrichment.  Friends of Hans Blix need not apply.

 

Zany, kooky rainbow girl looking for conservative, reliable male to conform to the stereotypes of bad romantic comedies.  I will talk to my stuffed animals, embarrass you in front of your friends and laugh uncontrollably for no reason; you will work in an office, play golf with your friends and fall inexplicably in love with this unlikely assembly of neuroses.  We may be a pair of crude gender stereotypes, but this just has to work – there’s no way that Jennifer Aniston would lie to me.

 

Timid accountant, 46, would like to meet discreet lady (age not important) for good clean fun on the evening that Mother goes to her bridge club. You need to be willing to take off your shoes inside and be prepared to jump out the window if she ‘has one of her turns’ and comes back early.  Please only contact me through PO Box 224, Mother is screening my mail for unsuitable influences.

 

Help, I am trapped in the closet. Not metaphorically, but literally. I have been here for three weeks, and have eaten nothing but flies and half an issue of The Beano. Write soon, my body aches from sleeping on cold floorboards and my tongue is raw from licking condensation off the pipes to stay alive.  Please help me come out.

 

Busty, blond nurse WLTM elderly, infirm billionaire for friendship – and more! Nothing would make me happier than to heat up some tomato soup, give you a sponge bath and then spend the next six hours taking you to new dimensions of pleasure with wild, uninhibited sex.  Just make sure you leave your will in a place I can find it, my sweet geriatric stallion.

 

Louche hipster male, 25, seeks louche hipster female with an interest in thick-framed glasses and indie bands that haven’t sold out yet.  We can take artistic pictures of old shoes, compare plaid shirts and sneer at the conformity of the middle-class parents we both still live with.  If you want to meet for coffee, send a wide-angle Lomo picture of an abandoned building, a list of favourite arthouse movies and the last three gigs you attended in Camden.