The Government has announced that, from 8am tomorrow, we should all stay at home for the next 30 days to slow the spread of Coronavirus. Yes, we’ve got ourselves a lockdown. It’s time to start painting faces on balls, tidying cupboards, learning the names of plants in your garden, doing that online course in origami and, if you’re weak-willed, succumbing to the 1023 ads for 8 week body transformation programmes on instagram. Spoiler; you’re not going to look like that at the end of lockdown. You’re going to have drunk your house dry and starved yourself of sunlight, face it.

Yes, this too could be your new buddy for 8 weeks. all you need is some red pen or tomato sauce. We don’t condone using blood.

The decision was made following the latest increase in the number of positive cases of COVID-19 on the Island, the spread within the community and the delay in receiving test results from the UK. Islanders should continue to follow health advice issued by the Government.

As of today we have conducted 731 tests, of which 63 are positive, 668 are negative and 101 remain outstanding. As the number of tests increase the percentage of deaths to recoveries decreases so more tests, more information, more recovery stats. We’ve just got to get through this folks.

From 8am tomorrow, unless you are designated as an essential worker, you should only leave your home in the following limited circumstances, and for no more than two hours per day. Here’s the government approved list of activities to undertake;

  • to shop for food, medicine and other basic necessities
  • for daily exercise – staying as close to your home as possible and provided you maintain social distancing from everyone else
  • for medical reasons, if you are advised to do so by a healthcare worker or required to do so having called 999.

Non-essential shops will close, and businesses can benefit from an economic support package, which includes a Government initiative to co-fund 80% of wages across a wide range of sectors. Business advice is available via these blue words.

The government say; ‘there is evidence that young people are super spreaders, as they often show no symptoms, so parents and carers must ensure that children and young people in their household comply with the restrictions’. There is guidance for parents and carers online. We’re sure young people actually probably like the title. Unfortunately, despite the superior standard of schooling in Jersey, many have failed to accurately estimate what two metres is, so if you see a gang of youths herding while you’re out getting your daily air, be sure to shout ‘TWO METRES’ at them.

Look, a sign saying we need to be two metres apart…

The Chief Minister, Senator John Le Fondré, said: “This is not advice: this is now an instruction. The police will be able to disperse gatherings and impose fines on those who flout the restrictions. This is about everyone playing their part in limiting their exposure to other people. You must be sensible and follow the guidance. This does not, will not, and should not feel normal. This is about Islanders protecting our most vulnerable from a virus without a vaccine.”

So there you have it, buckle up, bake a cake and tell your grandparents to stop sneaking out. We saw several Honda Jazzes on the streets today. Put it in the garage, Granny, it’s for your own good!

It’s not the same, but say lockdown too many times and it evokes memories of Skepta at Glastonbury. Here you go, dream of being able to be at a festival again one day….

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