An Idiot's Guide to Dating

An Idiot’s Guide to Dating

Our resident misogynist Ro$$ Kemp has no time for niceties when it comes to engaging with the opposite sex. With Valentines Day coming up, he’ll be employing every trick in the book in order to impress the ladies, and here, he shares with you the secrets of how he plans to do it.

Be a bit gangster
“Chicks dig tough guys; it’s a proven fact, and seen all throughout nature. The lady baboon doesn’t shack up with the meek little baboon chap hiding in the corner; she goes for the 200lb maniac who’s just torn the limbs off his own mother and smashed a coconut over his own head. In fact, the only animals on earth that woo the female by being nice guys are peacocks, and we all know that they’re total pussies. This general rule of nature applies to humans too. Wear plenty of clunking jewellery, if possible turn up in a Ford Escort RS Cosworth (these are dead cheap on Ebay) and if you have the letter ‘S’ in your name anywhere, swap it for a dollar sign (e.g. ‘Ro$$ Kemp’, ‘Paul Bi$$on’ etc). In keeping with your gangster approach, don’t take her on a traditional date. Take her street drinking and introduce her to the scalliest mates you know. If you don’t have any scally mates, ask your own pals to come along dressed in tracksuits combined with Rockport shoes.”

Lie, Lie, and Lie Some More
“Your date doesn’t want to hear about your job at the call centre or bank, and doesn’t want to know that you still live at home with your mum and that you dropped out of uni after your first year because you spent your entire student overdraft on gin. Create a web of deceit, a story so exciting and so alluring that even you’ll learn to love yourself (or the self that you’ve just invented). For inspiration, look no further than True Lies; used car salesman Bill Paxton more or less seduces Jamie Lee Curtis by pretending to be a secret agent, and it’s only Arnold Schwarznegger’s intervention that stops him. You can rest assured that you won’t get caught out because in real life, there is no Arnold Schwarznegger. He’s made up. Get fibbing gents.”

Use Chat Up Lines
“You’re a witty guy, and the chat up line gives you the perfect format with which to demonstrate it. In a scientific study involving laboratory mice, chat up lines were shown to work 87% of the time (Source – The Internet). You’ve just spied a girl on the dancefloor. Check your breath for traces of your last meal (important), slick back your hair and turn up your collar (optional), and make a beeline for her. When you have her attention, open with something like:
“Do you want to come back to mine and play Call of Duty?
“You don’t know me, but can I borrow a tenner?”
“What are you staring at?”
“There’s a party in my pants, there will be cake and a clown.”

Plant a Stooge
“You’ve done the hard part and convinced a woman to go out for a romantic meal with you. It’s time to get creative. Ask a couple of good friends to pose as would-be muggers and instruct them to pinch her bag before letting you catch them and retrieve it. Or get someone to approach you in the street and ask for your autograph – tell them you used to play for a mid-table football team, someone she likely wouldn’t have heard of anyway. Admittedly, you’re unlikely to get a second date once she Googles your name, but it’s up to you.”

Big Up Your Celebrity Contacts
“Nothing says ‘glamour’ like celebrity. Unfortunately, you’re not a celebrity (unless John Nettles or Graeme Le Saux are reading. If you are, hi John, Graeme, skip this bit), but the association with celebrity is usually enough. It works for the Kardashians and that sort anyway. A good bet is to pretend you know dead celebrities who will never be able to contradict your story. Tell your date that Roy Castle taught you to play trumpet, or that you once went hang-gliding with Brian Clough. They’ll be suitably impressed and it’s unlikely you’ll ever get caught out. Admittedly, using the sadly deceased to improve your romantic chances reeks of exploitation, so use this method at your own risk.”

Keep It Cheap
“Dating can be an expensive pursuit, and if you’re the type that likes to cast their net wide, you could do yourself out of house and home going on multiple romantic liaisons. In these times of austerity, try and keep your sexy expenses to a minimum. Fly a kite, test drive a car that you have no intention of buying, laugh at a duck or simply dig a hole. Or go metal detecting – you might find her a ring on the beach!!! If you do have a couple of quid, buy her a Fanta or some crisps.”

Just Be Yourself
“But only if you’re an ABSOLUTE legend. If you’re not sure whether this applies to you, ask yourself the following questions:
“Am I wearing sunglasses indoors?”
“Have I downed a beer in one, in the past 24 hours?”
“Can I do more than 100 keep-ups with a football?”
If the answer is ‘Yes’ to the above, then you are indeed an absolute legend. Dude, just be yourself.



Galllery does not endorse the practicing of any of the above dating methods. Please don’t try these at home.

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