Okay, I know this is all a bit clichéd, a bit SATC, a bit ?done?, but I feel compelled to write, because frankly, Jersey, is a f*cking weird place to be single. Even just being in a relationship is a bit ?odder?
, a bit harder here. But oddest, hardest and most fucked up of all of the different states of union, or non-union, on this little place we call home, is the Jersey Break-Up.
Seriously, could it be much worse? Could Josef Mengele have devised a more sophisticated or more drawn out form of mental torture? In a Jersey Break-Up, unless one of you moves away, or ideally, they do the decent thing and die a quick and painless death that in no way makes you feel guilty, then the horrors that await you are pretty much endless. Here is the list of how Jersey makes break-ups extra special!
In Jersey, with this pressure cooker, relationship stew we fester and mate in, it?s either casual and slutty and no damn good for your head, or far too damn serious, because only one of you has ?qualies? so you?
re living together in five minutes flat. And we all carry on, shagging or moving in with each other, and the Jersey Break-Up cycles continue.
Surprisingly, throughout my own recent Jersey Break-Up, although it?s been tough, I have only felt jealous once. It wasn?t seeing Him with another girl and it wasn?t seeing my many happy-couple-friends with their alarming number of happy-couple-babies. It was when I was hanging out with this very cool teenager I know, a 14 year old surfer boy with freckles on his nose. I asked him ?What ya doing today boy?? and he wrinkled his very cute nose at me and said ?I?m gonna meet my girlfriend on the bus, then we?re gonna buy CD?s, then go to the beach, then maybe later I?ll sleep at hers?
That was when I felt jealous. Don?t get me wrong, I don?t want a teenage boyfriend (that would be sick and wrong!), but I want a boyfriend in the teenage sense of the word. Someone to go see stuff with, to fool around with, who?ll get on a bus with me and sometimes stay at mine. Someone who cares enough to call, to tell me I?m pretty, and maybe even make me a cup of tea when I?m ill – but won?
t even think about moving in!
(if you think this could be you, please email ?
|After period of mourning, you bump into ex in supermarket or similar, after a suitable amount of weight loss and a haircut.
||After precisely NO period of mourning, because they did NOT do the decent thing and die, you see them the VERY next day on the way to work in traffic. You then repeatedly see them in Checkers, out in town, at a friend?s birthday, down the beach, driving ANYWHERE. You do not have time to lose weight and get your hair done if you are a woman. You do not have time to get rid of signs of the self-pity hangover if you are a man. Everyone involved looks how they feel ?like shit.
|If living together, the one who can afford the property takes it on. The other person moves sadly, but calmly on to an alternative home.
||He with qualies wins. Or if the person with qualies, can?t afford it, no-one wins. If neither of you have qualies, neither of you will now be able to afford to live. And if you both have qualies, you?re probably related. It is all very bad.
|You see your ex with someone else. It hurts.
||You see your ex with someone else. Not only does it hurt, but you know the person! You slept with THEIR ex once or was it their cousin?! They have a name and you probably know where they work. Everyone you know also knows them. Apparently they are ?sound?. Their face is now burned upon your mind. Everywhere you go you think you see them ? because it?s Jersey, you?re not imagining it ?you actually ARE seeing them! The only small benefit you can find in this endless hell is that all this knowledge makes stalking so much easier.
|Eventually, in time, you move one. Friends embrace your new partners and leave your ex firmly in the past.
||You will never move on. Oooohh, emotionally you may, (once you stop the stalking), but you will always be ?such and such?s?girl/bloke. And you will always see them. Forever. Until they die. Just keep focusing on that.
|Your new partner is unlikely to have any connection to your ex.
||Your new partner once slept with your ex?s brother/father/cousin/best friend/dog. Get over it.