entirely true April news

entirely true April news


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Jersey In The World?s Focus Again As Hordes Of Rhinos Sighted At Plemont Bay

ST OUEN – Local residents have been reporting rhino sightings around Jersey?s Plemont Bay for the past 20 years, but it wasn?t until  photographer Daniel Sebastian captured an  image  of the massive herbivores (above) migrating to Portelet that anyone had been able to gather any proof.

?I was busy smoking a fag when I noticed some rustling in the bushes?, he told reporters animatedly. ?All of a sudden, SHIT, f*cking bang loads of f*cking rhinos legging it!? the photographer explained, clutching a can of Red Bull in his hand. ?I just relied on my training and banged a few shots out. Bam! Bam! Bam! Job done.?

The discovery of rhinos in the tiny Bailiwick has caused huge excitement in the scientific community. ?It?s possibly the most incredible discovery of the past 50 years?, stated biologist Tim Curran from Cambridge University?s Biological Research Department. ?For odd-toed ungulates  to be found on a nine by five mile island in northern Europe is really incredible ? good God!? the old duffer exclaimed. ‘From the imagery I have seen, I would have to say that they are Javan Rhinoceros’. Given that only 60 or so were thought to remain in the wild before this discovery, we may be witnessing a species being brought back from the brink’.

Not everyone is so happy with the discovery though.  Although the tourist industry expects to double visitor numbers to 146, local farmers are none too pleased, with seven rhinos having been found dead already. Most had  suffered extensive shotgun wounds and pitchfork related injuries. Local police and international rhino protection agencies are said to be monitoring the situation closely.


Teenager Discovers There is
F*ck All To Do On Jersey
ST HELIER – Patrick Bateman, a 16 year old from St Helier, Jersey, recently discovered that there is nothing to do on the island. ?I?d just left my house and was walking to the Spar on Snow Hill when I suddenly realised that there was f*ck all to do. It just hit me. F*ck all.?

The fifth form student from Jersey went on to remark, ?I mean dick all. Literally not a f*cking thing. Nothing.?

Other locals have since confirmed that there is indeed f*ck all to do on the island.  ?Ah yes mon vie, he?s right thet boy, there?s feck all to do on Jersey eh? said Enid Le Sueur, a local resident.

Visiting tourists and teenagers have been saying the same thing for literally decades. ?F*ck all?, retired cross dresser, Harry Ramp, told reporters. Although efforts were made to contact officials, none were available for comment.

States officials have been unavailable for official comment but one source close to the Ministers did tell Gallery that this had been known to the officials for some time but that they were ?trying to keep it quiet?.  ?To be honest we can?t believe it has taken this long for someone to notice?, she remarked.

Independent experts have since conducted several experiments which all confirmed that there is indeed f*ck all to do on the island. .

Jersey ten times bigger than thought

Cartographer Claims ?90% of Island? Remains Undiscovered

OXFORD – Scientists from National Geographic using advanced imaging technology have discovered that up to 90% of Jersey remains unexplored. Heinrich Overland, a member of the project team and former island inhabitant explained; ?The self-governing Bailiwick, situated in the English Channel 14km from the north coast of France, was previously thought to be a vaguely rectangular shape covering 45 square miles but we have discovered an adjacent land mass almost ten times that size.?

The newly discovered peninsula, connected to the north east of the island is thought to have lain undiscovered for thousands of years despite being plainly visible. ?We can only speculate that somehow the local map makers simply missed a trick. At present it seems that areas such as St Helier and St Brelade are fairly well mapped?, a representative of National Geographic told reporters, The scale of the new land has shocked local inhabitants and property developers alike ?Up to 500 square miles of territory remains uncharted, apparently remaining unnoticed by the indigenous inhabitants for centuries?, remarked Cambridge University?s Len Frankweiner, head of the project.

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