This post has already been read 5 times!
Are you up to no good? Plotting something? Don’t want to draw unnecessary attention to yourself? Sounds like you need a disguise, but not just any disguise will do. Moustache? Too obvious. Thick-rimmed glasses? More popular again these days, but they still won’t cut it. Baseball cap? Don’t be ridiculous – this isn’t a British crime drama, you’ll be spotted instantly. No, what you need these days is a carrier bag.
A carrier bag with a few items of food shopping is all you need to justify your existence outside the four walls within which you live these days. It’s a guaranteed ticket no no-questions-asked-ville; a get out of jail free card; camouflage. The perfect disguise. It doesn’t even have to be an environmentally conscious ‘bag for life’ right now either, anything that unquestionably suggests that you’re merely out grabbing a few essentials while maintaining strict social distancing rules will do the trick. Hardly anyone’s driving around, there are but a handful of flights arriving and departing the airport and Greta is undoubtedly happy and enjoying a bit of homeschooling – nobody is going to question your bag of choice, just so long as you have a bag dangling from your hand you’ll be fine.
Nowhere near a shop that’s actually open? No problem! You’re combining the acquisition of a loaf of bread and a pint of Jersey’s finest (no, not Mary Ann) with your daily exercise quota, so as long as there’s a shop within about 4km of your home – or further afield if you’re dressed in activewear – and presuming it isn’t dark yet. If you’re acting suspiciously after dark, maybe a baseball cap really is your best bet. Anyway, I digress…
Am I suggesting you flout the rules set out for everyone’s safety during the April lockdown? Absolutely not; quite the opposite. All I’m saying is that next time you’re out of the house, take a careful look at what Deirdre from down the road has in her plastic bag – you never can be too sure what people might be up to.
Don’t panic, Deirdre doesn’t really have a nefarious side, it’s a fictitious name and she doesn’t live at the end of your clos. Stay inside, wash your hands, try to not to worry. Everything will be fine.